Surviving no-man's-land

• Step 1: Find your limits. Become aware of what you can do, easily and effectively - from practical skills like computing through to emotional strengths such as being able to handle a crisis. Realise that being able to do these things means that in many situations, you can cope perfectly well on your own. From that, start building your sense of self-security.
• Step 2: Boost your vulnerabilities. Where you have weak areas start building up your resources. If you know you're vulnerable to stress, learn how to handle it. If you're scared of not managing your job, ask for extra training and mentoring. Get information, knowledge and inspiration - through self help books, courses, even counselling - so you are able to cope with situations where you don't feel strong.
• Step 3: Stretch yourself. The more you push your limits, the more secure you'll be inside because you'll know you can handle anything. Deliberately explore areas where you feel you may not cope. Do a firewalk, tackle the marathon, go on a drama course, take a sabbatical or swim with dolphins. If you feel you can't do it, do it - and you'll soon learn that you can do anything.

Learning to be in control
Single, you can learn to take control of your life, because you don't have to compromise in order to make a relationship work.

• Step 1: Set your boundaries. Think through what you will put up with and accept in your life, and what you won't. In particular, become aware of how people around you - family, friends, partners - have pushed against you, persuaded you into things that you didn't really want to. Start now; in any situation however tiny, ask yourself what feels right to you - then do only that.
• Step 2: Extend your power. Don't be someone who has to have control over others, but do start to believe that you have a right to influence. Start taking the lead - even in tiny things, such as organising a restaurant meal and inviting friends. Start making good things happen around you and you'll feel much more in control.
• Step 3: Remake your situation. Take a cold hard look at your life; are you genuinely doing the job you want? Living in the house you want? Hanging out with the people you want? Maybe these things were right for you in the past; are they still? If not, get back in control by changing them - even if that's only a step at a time.

Onward and upward
The process will take time, we're not talking days here, or even weeks, you may need months or even a year or two of being seriously unpartnered before you feel you've reached the point where you are emotionally self-sufficient. So how do you know you're there?

• You feel good about yourself overall. Sure you have off days, but underneath, you know you're an OK person
• Your goals in life are clear, and they're yours, not goals others have set for you
• You have a range of contacts, of interests and passions that you have chosen and that fulfil you
• You don't need other people's agreement or approval in order to feel sure of yourself
• Yes, you'd be gutted by a total disaster - but overall, you know you can handle almost anything that life can throw at you
• You're living the life you want to live; you make accommodation for others, but you don't give in where it matters
• You may welcome a relationship and be open to it - but you're not desperate for it or dependent on it. In short, you don't need love to make you happy

The magic twist
Mysteriously, when you reach this point, it's more than likely that something rather wonderful will happen. Because you've grown, because you're emotionally strong, you'll find that all sorts of other people will be attracted to you, and some of those people will fall in love with you. Being stronger, and more self-aware, you will find yourself much more able to know whether they are right for you, and if they are, to maybe fall in love with one of them back.

Your single life starts here, embrace it, and good luck!

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