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Surviving no-man's-land

by Susan Quilliam

So you're dumped, or you've dumped him, whatever; you're single again and it doesn't feel good. You can't wait to fall in love again; but is fast-tracking your next relationship always the wisest move?

Society so often pushes the image of a single woman as lonely, sad and somehow not quite good enough. It's not surprising therefore, that we aim to find another relationship as quickly as possible after the previous one ends.

Consider this: singledom can be much more than a space between partnerships. It can be a wonderful - even essential - opportunity to grow up and develop your personality in a way that will not only make you happier, but also more equipped to make future relationships work.

Three basic needs
You - and every other human being in the world - need three things in order to be fulfilled. You need to feel valued, you need to feel secure and you need to feel in control. These are the underlying motivators in everyone's life.

The best way to fulfil these motivations is to do-it-yourself. Ideally, day-to-day, we value ourselves and feel completely worthwhile, we are self-confident and self-secure, and so feel safe. We make our own decisions, make our own mark on life and so feel in control.

Unfortunately, that's only an ideal. Instead, most of us rely on others to fulfil our needs. As children, we rely on our parents - but as we grow up, we learn to be emotionally independent of family and to take friendships as they come.

Strangely, we don't tend to be emotionally self-sufficient around our partnerships. Instead we believe that a partner will value us, offer us security and generally make us feel on top of the world.

Self-fulfilment
No man, however wonderful, can meet our every need 24/7 forever - not only because he's not Superman, but also because he has needs too, which may conflict with ours. Also, no relationship, however committed, can deliver totally; not only because every relationship has its weak spots but also because in time every relationship hits problems.

We are inevitably going to end up, even if only for a while, feeling undervalued, insecure and out of control - bad about ourselves, our relationships and our lives.

The moral is this. Whether you are single or in a couple, the more you can provide for yourself emotionally, the happier you'll be. The more self-sufficient you are in terms of your inner needs, the more likely you are to be fulfilled in other areas of your life.

And this is where being single comes in.

Being single is the best possible opportunity to develop the ability to provide for yourself and foster emotional self-sufficiency. I'm not suggesting you don't have relationships, but being single for a while gives you the chance to learn to meet your own needs and be more content. Used properly, singledom is a unique emotional boot camp, and here's how to use it to best effect.

Valuing yourself
Single, you can learn to value yourself because you can't depend on a partner for approval and validation.

Step 1: Start becoming aware of what you like about yourself. Notice when you do well and when others praise or approve of you. If someone doesn't approve, mentally reassure yourself - think of things that you are proud of, to contradict their negativity.
Step 2: Actively be good to yourself, in small ways and big ways. Put yourself first when choosing what to eat, what to drink, what to do. Give yourself treats, be that a bubble bath or a weekend away. Choose to do what you like, what gives you pleasure. Enjoy the fact that, single, you don't need to negotiate on how to spend life day-to-day.
Step 3: Take yourself seriously. Write down what's important to you, the values you have that mean a lot to you. Particularly, think back to values that other people have - such as parents, friends, previous partners - that you disagree with. Resolve to drop these ideas and instead follow what you believe in. Then be proud of those values - they are what make you uniquely yourself.