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Turkish dreams

by Sally Ann Lasson

question
Dear Sally Ann,
I'm 34, single and recently went on holiday by myself to a resort in Turkey. Unfortunately my luggage didn't turn up, so I had to make do with what was in my travel bag for a week, which was stressful. However, I met a wonderful, supportive 24-year-old Turkish man who worked as a chef at the resort and helped me through this ordeal. He was kind, reassuring and made me feel like the most beautiful and special person on earth. By the end of the week we were sleeping together. Now that I'm back in England, we keep in touch by email and I'm planning to go back to the resort later this year.

He's keen to see me again and may come and stay with me during the winter. I feel like I could marry him. However, although I don't doubt his sincerity, I do wonder whether: a) I am just another sexual conquest for him, b) he really is ready to settle down (I think he is), and c) the age gap will be a problem in a long-term relationship.

Am I being silly and unrealistic about my long-term chances with this man? Do you think it makes a difference that he is Turkish? Although I haven't seen any signs, I wonder if he might have very old-fashioned values about relationships. I am a fairly independent woman with my own home and a good job but, if he wanted to settle down, would I be right to give this up to be his wife and the mother of his children?

Please help!
Sarah

answer
Cross-cultural relationships can work. Long-distance relationships can work. Holiday romances sometimes last and age differences often don't matter. But, boy, what a combo!

I don't doubt the sincerity of your feelings for this man - you were in a difficult situation in a foreign country and he was kind to you. It is natural to have a rush of emotion. But there's a huge gap between that and wondering whether you want to marry him. Don't scare him with talk of marriage. Keep up the friendly contact and go and see him later in the year as you have planned. If that goes well, he can come and visit you. The moment of truth always happens on your own territory.

Forget about whether you are merely a sexual conquest and forget about whether he's ready to settle down. Both things apply to anyone you meet and time tells. More serious is the age and culture gaps.

You don't have to give up your house and your job to be a wife and mother. And you have no idea, at this point, which country you would live in if things worked out. The female imagination is fertile. Calm down, as you would have to do if you were going out with the man next door. You ARE being unrealistic but that's alright. Just don't add being silly too.
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