Relationships 

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Break-up to make-up

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How do you know when to separate?
Everyone's threshold is different, so there are no clear rules. However, here are some guidelines. Read the questions below and answer yes or no. If you answer yes to one of the questions, you may survive; two, you should think about separation; three or more, there is a strong case for separating.

The pain is always greater than the pleasure in your relationship.

You keep revisiting the same, serious problems without making any headway.

You think constantly about leaving - even when things don't seem too bad.

You are physically or emotionally ill as a result of your relationship strain.

Other parts of your life - work, the kids - are suffering because of the partnership problems.

There's drug-taking, drinking, compulsive gambling or violence within the relationship.

You can't talk about your problems together because one or both of you won't talk - or starts an argument every time.

Setting it up
If you want to try separating, telling your partner will be tough: try to honestly explain your reasons without offering false reassurance. If you are on the receiving end of the news, try to stay calm and don't assume that a separation automatically leads to divorce.

It's important to work out the practicalities, such as sorting out who will stay in the family home and who will move out. If you have children, access will need to be negotiated. And remember: if you're not living together - even temporarily - your financial arrangements may need adapting.

Create an emotional agreement. Each of you may have different expectations of how the separation will work. Will you meet regularly or have no contact for a certain period of time? Are you free to date? When will you review the situation and make a decision about what to do next? This conversation will be difficult, but it's important to be clear about these separation issues.

Only once you've addressed these practical and emotional issues should you tell your friends and family about your plans. Be prepared for shocked reactions and messages of doom and gloom. Many people will assume that your relationship is finished and you may find your friends, colleagues and family treating you as if you've already divorced. It will be particularly hard to tell children that you are separating, so seek advice on how to handle this. Try calling Parentline on 0808 800 2222 for support.

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