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Love and marriage... and divorce?
continued from page 3
This was the reality check I needed. With help from a fantastic counsellor, I slowly began to deal with the loss of my mum and dad, and learnt to cope on my own. When I went back to court eight months later I was a different person. I got my daughter back. I knew I was well again when I felt nervous in the court hearing - before I had felt numb.
Jim and I came to an agreement over access through solicitors. I initially wanted to use a mediator (apart from anything, they are cheaper than a solicitor), but Jim was less trusting, more old-fashioned and preferred using a solicitor. He admitted that looking after our daughter full time was difficult because he worked such long hours. I think he knew that she was better off in my care.
Now, almost 25 years later, I am happily remarried. In a strange way, I think my first marriage actually improved my attitude towards relationships. It was a grounding event that forced me to understand that marriage and lifelong commitment are nothing to do with hearts and flowers. Romance has its place, but the really important aspect is friendship, equality, and flexible compatibility.
Ruth's story
I met my husband when I was 22. Sully had just come back from New York and was into star signs and anti-Vietnam demonstrations. We were both free-spirited youngsters of the 60s and were immediately attracted to each other.
The first few months were very romantic. We had so much in common. We were both Jewish, held similar opinions, ambitions and dreams, and quickly fell deeply in love. Everyone said how well suited we were: he was so laid-back and I was full of energy and ambition - we complemented each other.
The first years of our marriage were difficult. The difference in our energy levels began to show. It was the little things; I remember being infuriated that he refused to help me put up some pictures in our new home, preferring instead to sit in front of the TV. He often worked evenings, so I was alone quite a lot. We both had fairly demanding families and were torn between finding time to see them and having time for each other.
This was the reality check I needed. With help from a fantastic counsellor, I slowly began to deal with the loss of my mum and dad, and learnt to cope on my own. When I went back to court eight months later I was a different person. I got my daughter back. I knew I was well again when I felt nervous in the court hearing - before I had felt numb.
Jim and I came to an agreement over access through solicitors. I initially wanted to use a mediator (apart from anything, they are cheaper than a solicitor), but Jim was less trusting, more old-fashioned and preferred using a solicitor. He admitted that looking after our daughter full time was difficult because he worked such long hours. I think he knew that she was better off in my care.
Now, almost 25 years later, I am happily remarried. In a strange way, I think my first marriage actually improved my attitude towards relationships. It was a grounding event that forced me to understand that marriage and lifelong commitment are nothing to do with hearts and flowers. Romance has its place, but the really important aspect is friendship, equality, and flexible compatibility.
Ruth's story
I met my husband when I was 22. Sully had just come back from New York and was into star signs and anti-Vietnam demonstrations. We were both free-spirited youngsters of the 60s and were immediately attracted to each other.
The first few months were very romantic. We had so much in common. We were both Jewish, held similar opinions, ambitions and dreams, and quickly fell deeply in love. Everyone said how well suited we were: he was so laid-back and I was full of energy and ambition - we complemented each other.
The first years of our marriage were difficult. The difference in our energy levels began to show. It was the little things; I remember being infuriated that he refused to help me put up some pictures in our new home, preferring instead to sit in front of the TV. He often worked evenings, so I was alone quite a lot. We both had fairly demanding families and were torn between finding time to see them and having time for each other.
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