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I love my wife, but my eyes keep wandering
I've only been married for six months but my wife and I have been together for almost three years. I started to lose sexual interest in her about a year ago, and I don't know why.
We used to have sex every day, but gradually we do it less and less - it has now been a month since we had sex. I love my beautiful wife with all my heart but find myself looking at other women all the time, wondering what it would be like to sleep with them. I get aroused by silly little things - my office manager who has nice breasts, or the pretty girl at the supermarket. It almost haunts me.
I occasionally look at porn sites and my wife has caught me in the past - I know she isn't comfortable with it. She might be more comfortable with it if we were having sex more often... but we're not.
My wife doesn't trust me now - she feels insecure and thinks I'm going elsewhere for sex. Throughout college I had lots of sexual partners but never committed to a relationship. How can I have found the person I love, but constantly think about other women? Is this treatable?
You can get incredibly aroused over a woman you only know slightly or not at all, just as you can go mad with desire for a woman in the early months of a relationship. As soon as you start to feel close to her, or as soon as she wants you to feel close to her, the arousal goes out the window. After being with your wife for three years, this is what's happened with her.
The good news is that you don't want to be like this. In your college years you didn't care that you weren't able to feel both love and lust for the same woman - you just slept around. But now you actively want to both love your wife and desire her. That's a big step forward.
How can you sort this out? You'll have to go back in time, to your early years, to when your ability to love was being formed. It was at that time that your emotional 'roads' separated and you started to see love and lust as different things. You have to find out how that separation happened, and then mentally rethink it so that everything comes together.
First, reassure your wife that you're faithful to her, you love her and you want to sort this out. Then log on to relate (www.relate.org.uk) and arrange some counselling sessions. A therapist will help you explore the past and get to a point where you can feel both desire and affection at the same time.
Do you need advice on your relationship? Why not chat to other iVillagers on the Relationships message board. Take a look at some of the LIVE discussions taking place on the message board right now:
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