My man is mean
I have a six-month-old baby with my partner. The problem is that he refuses to help financially with our child. He says nobody gives him handouts so he will not give any to me. We used to live together, but I asked him to move out as he wouldn't contribute any money - even for food. He argued that it's my mortgage and he shouldn't have to pay for someone else's property. I suggested he pay for food and bills so that he does not think I am using him to pay my mortgage, but he's still suspicious. How can I make this work?
The bad news is that however much you may love him, you certainly do have a partner with serious hang-ups not only about money but also about giving, sharing and caring. When you were living together he contributed nothing? He now won't pay to help raise your baby? He won't give anything 'because no one gives anything to him'? Excuse me?
The bottom line here is that you're not going to get anywhere by trying to persuade this man on a logical level. Because by the sound of it, every time you discuss the issues, he finds a different silly argument to justify his meanness.
No, what underpins his behaviour is obviously some deep-rooted - probably childhood - unhappiness about giving and taking. So the only way to make any progress is going to be to explore that head on. Corinne Sweet's excellent book Stop Fighting About Money (£6.99 Hodder & Stoughton) explains how to do that, how to identify the attitudes you both have around sharing and how to get an agreement between you. Or you may want to see a counsellor (www.relate.org.uk) who can talk you through the process.
What if your man won't even start a discussion about this? Well, you can't force him - but if he will neither listen to reason, nor explore the issues, I don't see any way forward. You will either have to accept the status quo between you or find someone who is capable of giving and sharing in a way that your current partner isn't.
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