Relate talks to the iVillage Families in the Forces

Dealing with stress from a distance
Both my husband and I are stressed just now with various things, but primarily the issues are the recent death of my sister, his impending Gulf deployment, and deciding on IVF treatment. We are both so stressed that we don't have any room left to support one another.
Any advice?
cl-poppy_iv

Advice that I often give clients who feel overwhelmed with so many problems is to agree only to worry about one thing at a time and have periods of time when you're not allowed to worry about anything. A practical way you can do this is to write each worry on a slip of paper and put the slips of paper in an envelope. You allow yourselves certain periods of time when you can pick one thing out of the envelope and talk about it - or worry about it. But you make it a finite period of time - ie we will talk or I will worry about the IVF treatment for one hour. At the end of that time, you put the piece of paper away, put the envelope in a drawer and do something else that you know is relaxing or talk about something neutral or happy. If worries begin to invade your mind again, tell yourself you're not allowed to think of it now and set a time when you will. It takes practise but in time this can allow you to feel much more in control of your thought processes and enjoy some stress-free times. I hope that helps.
Paula

Feeling insecure
We've just moved to the UK from Germany and getting used to the English way of living is a task in itself! We have recently bought a house but for a variety of reasons, for the next 18 months we will only see one another at weekends. We are two weeks into this arrangement, but I'm beginning to think that maybe it isn't such a good idea.

My husband had an affair with another woman who lives near his work. He told me about the affair and explained that the reason it happened was because I was whinging to him every time we spoke, not looking after myself and just generally making him depressed and lonely, and she offered him the company.

Now we have spoken about all this, I understand why it happened to a certain extent, and I can honestly say looking back that I might have done the same.

Can you advise me on how to feel less insecure about everything at the moment?
roxy

I'm not at all surprised that you're feeling insecure at the moment. You're in a new environment, trying to adjust to so many things all at once. Even without your partner's previous affair, many women would be feeling unsure about what might be happening while they're not around. It sounds as if you've been able to talk through the affair and move on really well. I wonder if you've talked about how you'll both be sure that it won't ever happen again? Have you agreed ways in which you might be able to 'affair-proof' your relationship?

I understand your anxiety about 'whinging' but perhaps it would be more sensible to have the conversation early on and all out in the open, than risk you dropping hints over a number of phone calls or visits. And if you haven't already done so, you can talk about any ways in which you can keep in touch during the week. Phone calls are the obvious one, but can you also email, msn chat, text? Have you explored 'sex' via any of these methods? That may not be something that would work for you, but perhaps you could have fun exploring it as a new way of keeping close and intimate.
Paula

Comfort eating
I had an argument with my husband last night over the phone about eating chocolate and junk food when he is away. He doesn't seem to understand my situation: I eat chocolate and junk food when I am lonely because it makes me feel better. If I didn't, I would cry day and night and my house would be a mess.
eve

It sounds as if you're really lonely when he's away and you're making yourself feel better with comfort food. But in the long run, perhaps it's not really making things any better. Rather than helping to sort out the loneliness problem, it's taking your mind off it with something pleasurable. What you need to do is find ways to feel less lonely. I don't know anything about your circumstances, but I wonder if you are able to make more friends or do more activities where you will spend time with people. Also, what other things can you do that you find pleasurable? Can you enjoy lounging in the bath, or watching a favourite movie? There are healthier alternatives to comfort food - it's not easy to give up an old habit, but it might be best for you in the long run.
Paula

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