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Losing a loved one
continued from page 3
Task three: To adjust to life again
Adjusting to life after the loss of a partner, spouse or parent, means different things to different people. Most people who have lost a spouse find it takes a considerable period of time to realise what it is like to physically and emotionally exist without their partners. This realisation often begins to emerge around three months after the loss, and involves coming to terms with living alone, raising children alone, facing an empty bed, and managing finances independently.
Many survivors resent having to develop new skills and taking on roles that were formerly performed by their partners. Bereavement can lead to intense regression, where the bereaved see themselves as helpless, inadequate, incapable and childlike. Attempts to fulfil the deceased person's roles may fail, and this can lead to a sense of low self-esteem. However, over time, these negative feelings usually give way to more positive ones, and the survivors are able to carry on with their lives, acquire new skills and learn new ways of dealing with the world.
Task Four: To emotionally let go and move on with life
You never forget someone you love who has died. A survivor's readiness to enter new relationships depends not on 'giving up' a deceased spouse or partner, but finding a suitable place for the spouse to 'live' in their heart, so that there is room for the bereaved to go on with life and continue to love others.
Bereaved parents often have the most difficulty grasping task four and understanding the dangers of emotional withdrawal. The task for the bereaved parent is to express their feelings of grief and anguish, until they are able to move to a psychological space where they can think about their child and talk about him or her, and not shut down emotionally or withdraw. Possibly, their healing really starts when they fully accept that their lives will continue but their child's will not.
The fourth task requires profound time and courage, as it demands the bereaved to be willing to live - to move on. For many people this is the most difficult task to accomplish. They often get stuck in their grieving, and realise later that their life somehow stopped when they lost the person they loved. Nevertheless, moving successfully through the fourth task can often be achieved by realising that there are always others to love in life and that, by loving them, you are not in any sense betraying or being disloyal to the one who has died.
Task three: To adjust to life again
Adjusting to life after the loss of a partner, spouse or parent, means different things to different people. Most people who have lost a spouse find it takes a considerable period of time to realise what it is like to physically and emotionally exist without their partners. This realisation often begins to emerge around three months after the loss, and involves coming to terms with living alone, raising children alone, facing an empty bed, and managing finances independently.
Many survivors resent having to develop new skills and taking on roles that were formerly performed by their partners. Bereavement can lead to intense regression, where the bereaved see themselves as helpless, inadequate, incapable and childlike. Attempts to fulfil the deceased person's roles may fail, and this can lead to a sense of low self-esteem. However, over time, these negative feelings usually give way to more positive ones, and the survivors are able to carry on with their lives, acquire new skills and learn new ways of dealing with the world.
Task Four: To emotionally let go and move on with life
You never forget someone you love who has died. A survivor's readiness to enter new relationships depends not on 'giving up' a deceased spouse or partner, but finding a suitable place for the spouse to 'live' in their heart, so that there is room for the bereaved to go on with life and continue to love others.
Bereaved parents often have the most difficulty grasping task four and understanding the dangers of emotional withdrawal. The task for the bereaved parent is to express their feelings of grief and anguish, until they are able to move to a psychological space where they can think about their child and talk about him or her, and not shut down emotionally or withdraw. Possibly, their healing really starts when they fully accept that their lives will continue but their child's will not.
The fourth task requires profound time and courage, as it demands the bereaved to be willing to live - to move on. For many people this is the most difficult task to accomplish. They often get stuck in their grieving, and realise later that their life somehow stopped when they lost the person they loved. Nevertheless, moving successfully through the fourth task can often be achieved by realising that there are always others to love in life and that, by loving them, you are not in any sense betraying or being disloyal to the one who has died.
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