Confidence boosting special

A confident woman makes a successful partner - so bring your self-esteem into your love life.

1. Make a list of what you need and deserve from a partner and from a relationship. This isn't just about going for what you need - it's about holding out for it. Settling for second best - even if it seems easier - is never the answer.
2. Never expect your relationship to fill the gap left in your heart by low self-esteem. If you don't love yourself, no one else will love you.
3. Giving to your partner will raise your self-esteem because you'll learn you have something to give. Taking from your partner will boost your self-esteem because you'll learn they feel you're worth it.
4. If you realise that you had more confidence before you met your partner - or that you get your confidence back when they are absent - it is the wrong relationship. Walk.
5. After a relationship breakdown, it will take time for your confidence to build back up. Don't try to boost it temporarily by leaping into another relationship; you'll only fail and take another knock. Instead, give yourself at least three months for every year your relationship lasted before you date again; that will give you time to grieve, learn the lessons and feel good about yourself again.

Survey after survey suggests that men find confidence in bed the ultimate turn on.

1. If there's something you want from your partner, ask for it directly. Most men love to please and want to know how, so clear and confident requests work.
2. Remember that in bed, men are far too ecstatic about being cuddled, touched and aroused to worry about whether you look like Kylie.
3. If he asks you to do something and you don't know how, don't panic. Instead, ask him to teach you to do what he likes in the way he likes. He'll feel good about getting exactly what he wants and you will learn something new!
4. If he asks you do to something and the thought turns you off completely, try it once to check whether the reality is any better than your horror fantasy. If it's not, say a clear no. You deserve to only do things you want to; he deserves to have a partner who is enjoying herself all the time.
5. Touching boosts oxytocin, which in turn makes you feel good about yourself. So if you feel low in self-esteem, ask for a cuddle. No need to have sex unless you want that too - a cuddle alone will often give you the confidence boost you need.

With more confidence, you'll be more able to take on new challenges in life.

1. Continually set yourself a challenge in the area you're weakest in. If your vulnerability is talking to people, approach a new one every day. If you hate writing reports, aim to write one a week.
2. If you stretch yourself - in a new job, relationship, exercise regime - don't expect to succeed first time. You can't develop if you never push your limits. So if you do mess up, admit it, work out what you need to do differently next time - then do it.
3. Taking on - and accomplishing - new challenges, teaches you a valuable lesson. You learn that your initial fear disappears as you keep working at something. So next time you feel nervous you will be less thrown - and more able to succeed
4. Keep an achievement diary. Then if you get stuck at anything, read back over your previous victories to remind yourself that you succeeded.
5. If you do something good, don't wait. Celebrate. Have a glass of champagne. Throw a huge party. Or simply pat yourself on the back and reinforce the message that you're worth it.

Resources for confidence

1. Some books to read:
   Positive Thinking by Susan Quilliam priced £4.99, published by Dorling Kindersley
   Confidence - Finding it and Living it by Barbara De Angelis published by Hay House
   Self Esteem Bible by Gael Lindenfield priced £7.99, published by Thorsons
   Life Planner by Jennifer Percival priced £12.99 published by Word of Mouth
   The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships by Rand J Paterson priced around £8.99, published by New Harbinger Publications
   
2. A course to take:
   Stand Up For Yourself - An Interactive Assertiveness Workshop with Penny Tompkins and Marian Way (details on www.cleanlanguage.co.uk, booking form on www.apricotisland).
   
3. Life coaching to consider: Search on the internet for a life coach practising near you or look them up in your phone book.
   
4. Counsellors to talk to if you feel you need extra help with traumatic incidents: Go to www.bacp.co.uk - you will find a list with details of counsellors practising in your area.

   Why not chat to other iVillagers on the Stop Worrying, Start Living message board. Take a look at some of the LIVE discussions taking place on the message board right now:

   

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