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Losing a loved one
continued from page 2
Task One: Accepting the reality of loss
When someone you love dies, even if the death is expected, there is always a sense of sheer disbelief. The first task of grieving is to face the reality that the person you love is dead; they are gone and will not return. Some people refuse to believe that the death is real, and get stuck at this first task.
Coming to acknowledge the reality of a major loss takes time, since it involves acceptance on intellectual and emotional levels. Traditional rituals such as the funeral help many people move towards acceptance.
Task Two: To work through the pain of grief
It is hard but vitally important that a bereaved person goes through the pain of grief. Not everyone experiences the same intensity of pain or feels it in the same way, but it is impossible to lose someone you have been deeply attached to without experiencing some level of pain. Many people experience acute physical as well as emotional pain while mourning. It is necessary to acknowledge and work through the pain you feel, or it is likely to manifest with psychological symptoms or, possibly, find outlet in destructive or aberrant behaviours.
This task is a difficult one and many people will instinctively attempt to bypass it in a number of ways: the most obvious is to cut off their feelings and deny the pain that is present. Sometimes people hinder the process by avoiding all painful thoughts. Others handle it by thinking only pleasant thoughts of the deceased, trying to protect themselves from the discomfort of unpleasant thoughts. Idealising the dead, avoiding reminders, and using alcohol or drugs are other ways that people keep themselves from accomplishing this key task - opposed as they are to experiencing the pain of loss, they take comfort in the knowledge that it will eventually pass.
Sooner or later, a person who is desperately trying to avoid conscious grieving will break down, usually with some form of depression. One of the aims of grief counselling is to help people through this difficult task, so that they do not carry the pain for the rest of their life. If Task Two is not properly completed, therapy may be needed later on, at which point it can be more difficult for the person to go back and work through the pain he or she has been avoiding. Though it is difficult, it is far healthier to deal with the pain of loss when it actually happens.
Task One: Accepting the reality of loss
When someone you love dies, even if the death is expected, there is always a sense of sheer disbelief. The first task of grieving is to face the reality that the person you love is dead; they are gone and will not return. Some people refuse to believe that the death is real, and get stuck at this first task.
Coming to acknowledge the reality of a major loss takes time, since it involves acceptance on intellectual and emotional levels. Traditional rituals such as the funeral help many people move towards acceptance.
Task Two: To work through the pain of grief
It is hard but vitally important that a bereaved person goes through the pain of grief. Not everyone experiences the same intensity of pain or feels it in the same way, but it is impossible to lose someone you have been deeply attached to without experiencing some level of pain. Many people experience acute physical as well as emotional pain while mourning. It is necessary to acknowledge and work through the pain you feel, or it is likely to manifest with psychological symptoms or, possibly, find outlet in destructive or aberrant behaviours.
This task is a difficult one and many people will instinctively attempt to bypass it in a number of ways: the most obvious is to cut off their feelings and deny the pain that is present. Sometimes people hinder the process by avoiding all painful thoughts. Others handle it by thinking only pleasant thoughts of the deceased, trying to protect themselves from the discomfort of unpleasant thoughts. Idealising the dead, avoiding reminders, and using alcohol or drugs are other ways that people keep themselves from accomplishing this key task - opposed as they are to experiencing the pain of loss, they take comfort in the knowledge that it will eventually pass.
Sooner or later, a person who is desperately trying to avoid conscious grieving will break down, usually with some form of depression. One of the aims of grief counselling is to help people through this difficult task, so that they do not carry the pain for the rest of their life. If Task Two is not properly completed, therapy may be needed later on, at which point it can be more difficult for the person to go back and work through the pain he or she has been avoiding. Though it is difficult, it is far healthier to deal with the pain of loss when it actually happens.
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