They're the people we're closest to, and we like to believe we know everything about them - so what happens when a deep-rooted family secret comes out?

Has anyone in your family ever revealed something about themselves that you couldn't ever have imagined to be true? An illegitimate child, an illicit affair or perhaps even a crime or misdemeanor?

There's no doubt that a revelation about a relative can, at times, be enough to tear a family apart. According to psychotherapist Carol Martin-Sperry, there are very few families that don't have secrets. However, she believes that because of the bonds involved, secrets in families are harder to deal with than secrets between friends. 'This is because people assume that they know everything about their family, or that they have a right to know everything,' she says. 'And when they find out they don't, they find it very difficult to deal with. But in fact, people have lives outside of the family. Being related to someone doesn't give you an automatic right to know everything about them.'

'All secrets lie along a scale of how big an effect they'll have, and how shocking they are,' says Martin-Sperry. 'Small secrets usually involve something an individual family member has done, such as taking drugs, being caught shoplifting or getting involved in fraud. Even though other family members can feel very let down and humiliated when they find out these secrets, they are not usually directly affected.'

Bigger secrets are those that have a greater impact on family members - such as affairs, or one person announcing that they are gay. But the secrets that affect an individual member's identity - and which everyone else in the family may know about apart from the person concerned - have the greatest impact of all. Says Martin-Sperry: 'such examples include finding out that your mother had an affair and your father isn't really your father, or finding out you're adopted.'

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Skeletons in the closet