Skeletons in the closet

How a family copes with a revelation depends on their 'coping strategy'. Families with positive coping strategies are those that can talk calmly together, ask questions and accept that while it may take time for things to go back to normal, they're prepared to work hard at being understanding and supportive until they do. 'Families with negative coping strategies can't move past their anger,' says Martin-Sperry. 'They scream, shout and cry until eventually it becomes impossible to talk properly and their relationships are often damaged for good.'

However, even if you've got brilliant coping strategies, it can be very difficult to deal with revelations about a person's identity. 'This is because finding out that your parents aren't who you think they are brings in to question everything about you and can cause a total identity crisis,' says Martin-Sperry. 'It stirs up emotions including shock, denial, anger, sadness and the feeling of being abandoned by your real parents.' For example, in the case of discovering you were adopted, even if you manage to accept and deal with these emotions, in the long term it will be impossible not to feel curious about your real parents, which can cause further damage. Resolving these issues can be a very long and hard process.

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