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Coping with caring
Would love be enough to see you through if you had to care for your husband full-time? Julia Gregson talks to two women about their experiences
When Valerie married her husband Michael 39 years ago, it was for love. A talented amateur artist who worked for the Ford Motor Company, he adored his home and his wife, who remembers him as 'jolly and loving'. He was also an insulin-dependent diabetic - a minor grey cloud on the horizon.
But by the time their twins and an older daughter were born, the cloud had grown. 'If his sugars got unbalanced he'd get very moody, and although he never hit me, he'd swear and he'd shout,' remembers Valerie, 58. 'The kids learned not to talk to him when he was like that.'
'They also saw him in hypos (a state where there's not enough sugar in the body) where he'd act drunk and wander around the house. If I didn't get some sugar into him, he'd go into a coma.'
'I'd hate to put anybody off marrying a diabetic - things have improved - but this is how it was for me,' says Valerie.
Things deteriorated so much for 63-year-old Michael that Valerie became his full-time carer and a virtual prisoner in her own home. Long-term insulin use led to a variety of problems: a thickening of his nerve endings, double vision, damage to his liver and kidneys. But it was the psychological effect - Michael's profound depression - that Valerie found most shattering.
Says Valerie sadly: 'I asked him recently, "Do you still love me?" and he said, "I need you now." As much as I love him, I feel like my life is over.'
The 5.8 million people carers in the UK (the number is expected to rise to 13 million in the next 10 years) save the government a staggering £58 billion a year (the equivalent of a second NHS) and yet many live on a pittance - Valerie's allowance is just £42 a week. Many are exhausted from the pressures of caring 24/7, yet there are few respite facilities offered to them. Others lament the loss of a relationship they need and depend on.
When Valerie married her husband Michael 39 years ago, it was for love. A talented amateur artist who worked for the Ford Motor Company, he adored his home and his wife, who remembers him as 'jolly and loving'. He was also an insulin-dependent diabetic - a minor grey cloud on the horizon.
But by the time their twins and an older daughter were born, the cloud had grown. 'If his sugars got unbalanced he'd get very moody, and although he never hit me, he'd swear and he'd shout,' remembers Valerie, 58. 'The kids learned not to talk to him when he was like that.'
'They also saw him in hypos (a state where there's not enough sugar in the body) where he'd act drunk and wander around the house. If I didn't get some sugar into him, he'd go into a coma.'
'I'd hate to put anybody off marrying a diabetic - things have improved - but this is how it was for me,' says Valerie.
Things deteriorated so much for 63-year-old Michael that Valerie became his full-time carer and a virtual prisoner in her own home. Long-term insulin use led to a variety of problems: a thickening of his nerve endings, double vision, damage to his liver and kidneys. But it was the psychological effect - Michael's profound depression - that Valerie found most shattering.
Says Valerie sadly: 'I asked him recently, "Do you still love me?" and he said, "I need you now." As much as I love him, I feel like my life is over.'
The 5.8 million people carers in the UK (the number is expected to rise to 13 million in the next 10 years) save the government a staggering £58 billion a year (the equivalent of a second NHS) and yet many live on a pittance - Valerie's allowance is just £42 a week. Many are exhausted from the pressures of caring 24/7, yet there are few respite facilities offered to them. Others lament the loss of a relationship they need and depend on.
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