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Coping with caring
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'Recently,' recalls Valerie, 'when my granddaughter was very ill, I asked Michael for a hug. "I don't know how to hug you anymore," he replied. It was devastating.' For some partners, the loss of a loving physical relationship is the hardest burden of all.
Today, Valerie, a lively sociable woman and a former local labour councillor is socially isolated. She feels worn down by the daily stress and grind of her life.
'I do everything. He finds it difficult to pick things up and hard to feed himself, although he tries. He has a poor short-term memory so I pay all the bills and do the gardening. If I go out, he stands by the window waiting for me and is usually in a state by the time I get back. Not a day goes by without some tears from him - I have to be so careful what I put on the telly. Anything that's slightly depressing makes him burst into tears.'
'Although he's never been a macho man, I do think he's come to resent me, the fact that he seems so weak and dependent in front of me.'
'Weekends are the hardest. You see people going out and you long to go. My best friend's daughter is about to be married, but I can't go. We have seven grandchildren but I can't have them here - his temper is unpredictable. It got so bad with his tempers one day that I walked out, but I came back. I still love him to bits, you see, but I don't always like him.'
And if she could wave a magic wand? 'I'd love to have the bungalow to myself for just one day a week. I'd put music on and put my feet up. The use of a car for one day a week would be great, too. It would be wonderful to be able to go and visit my daughter.'
Few people in the outside world can understand Valerie's isolation, which is why she so appreciates the work done by the Princess Royal Trust for Carers and the supportive message board on their website.
'We get on that message board and we moan and laugh and share our thoughts. It's such a release.' By contrast, the social worker who came from the council to help her, 'Talked to me in front of Michael, which was hopeless. You have to have safe places to talk because the pressure mounts up. Once I got out a packet of paracetamol and I would have taken the whole lot, but then I thought, "What a legacy to leave to the grandkids."'
'Recently,' recalls Valerie, 'when my granddaughter was very ill, I asked Michael for a hug. "I don't know how to hug you anymore," he replied. It was devastating.' For some partners, the loss of a loving physical relationship is the hardest burden of all.
Today, Valerie, a lively sociable woman and a former local labour councillor is socially isolated. She feels worn down by the daily stress and grind of her life.
'I do everything. He finds it difficult to pick things up and hard to feed himself, although he tries. He has a poor short-term memory so I pay all the bills and do the gardening. If I go out, he stands by the window waiting for me and is usually in a state by the time I get back. Not a day goes by without some tears from him - I have to be so careful what I put on the telly. Anything that's slightly depressing makes him burst into tears.'
'Although he's never been a macho man, I do think he's come to resent me, the fact that he seems so weak and dependent in front of me.'
'Weekends are the hardest. You see people going out and you long to go. My best friend's daughter is about to be married, but I can't go. We have seven grandchildren but I can't have them here - his temper is unpredictable. It got so bad with his tempers one day that I walked out, but I came back. I still love him to bits, you see, but I don't always like him.'
And if she could wave a magic wand? 'I'd love to have the bungalow to myself for just one day a week. I'd put music on and put my feet up. The use of a car for one day a week would be great, too. It would be wonderful to be able to go and visit my daughter.'
Few people in the outside world can understand Valerie's isolation, which is why she so appreciates the work done by the Princess Royal Trust for Carers and the supportive message board on their website.
'We get on that message board and we moan and laugh and share our thoughts. It's such a release.' By contrast, the social worker who came from the council to help her, 'Talked to me in front of Michael, which was hopeless. You have to have safe places to talk because the pressure mounts up. Once I got out a packet of paracetamol and I would have taken the whole lot, but then I thought, "What a legacy to leave to the grandkids."'
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