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How to hold the family together when the wife decides she's gay
Dear Dr Patti
My wife recently told me she is a lesbian. We have been married 13 years and have two children, four and seven years old. She always seemed to enjoy sex with me, although my advances always started it. How can I change her back? I love her dearly and do not want to lose her.
K
I sense you have a feeling deep inside that you can change her back into the woman you first swept into becoming your loving wife. But I'm sorry to say that's not going to happen.
Finding out and then claiming their sexual preference often takes people time — for some, a lifetime. It can take years to come to grips with who and what turns us on in bed. The statistics on sexual orientation are confusing. But whether it's one, two or ten per cent of all individuals who are sexually attracted to members of their own sex really doesn't matter. What does is how your wife's announcement of homosexuality affects you, her, her female lover and the children.
It's possible that her sexual attraction to women, or to this woman in particular, may pass as she discovers this is just an aspect of her sexuality. But more often than not, there are compounding elements in a sexual relationship that attract two people together. Perhaps she needs the comfort and closeness that being with another woman provides. Maybe she took years to overcome the social conditioning that being a married heterosexual woman was the ‘right’ way of life and now, after being married and having children, she has followed her true feelings.
I suggest that you contact organisations that offer help and support to gay and lesbian families, such as the Acceptance Helpline and Support Group for Parents of Lesbians and Gay Men (01795 661463) and the London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard. Consider visiting local gay and lesbian support groups to talk about this with other couples going through similar changes.
These kinds of changes to a family structure can make or break the lives of all involved if not handled delicately and with great care. It must be very painful to lose your wife — not to mention having to face her new lover with whom you cannot really compete. However, she will always be your children’s mother, with or without that husband-and-wife structure in place, so work together to make this work for you all.
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