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My stepson's taking drugs
My husband and I are both over 40 and have been married for almost a year. We both have teenagers from previous relationships. A year ago, my 15-year-old stepson was in trouble at school for possessing cannabis. Although he assured us he was just experimenting, we've just discovered he's still using it.
The trouble is that my husband and I have very different ideas about this behaviour. I will not tolerate drugs in my house, and although I will try to help the boy, if he doesn't stop then he'll need hard measures and strict discipline. My husband doesn't like his son taking drugs, but argues that all teenagers experiment and it doesn't make him a bad lad. He doesn't agree with punishment and discipline as they were not part of his upbringing. My husband thinks I'm over-reacting and will push the boy away. I'm angry, hurt and confused as I feel I have to choose between my husband or my own beliefs. Please help.
What you're hitting here is not unusual. Two people get married - and then they have to cope with each other's kids. They each have completely different ideas of how to deal with them, and each one thinks that the other is being utterly unreasonable, misguided or wrong.
I can understand if that's how you feel. But you need to see that while your husband's views are - as you say - down to his upbringing and past experiences, so are yours. Your views about discipline are only that - your views based on your upbringing and past experiences; they are no more right than your husband's.
You seem to see it as a battle between you and your husband - that he should agree with you or forfeit your love, and that you should stand up to him or lose your self-respect. But if you don't learn to work as a team, this could turn into a very dangerous battle, which could end in disaster.
Focus on what's best for your stepson. Talk to him. Sit him down and ask the lad how he wants to be treated - what he needs in order to grow up to be as good and mature a man as his father is, a man that both of you can be proud of.
Finally, I'd recommend that you and your husband sign up to a parenting course to learn how to cope with the very real challenges of your new family. Parentline Plus offers some excellent courses; log on and find one that you can go to together.
Are you a parent of a teenager? Talk to other iVillage parents on the Parents of Teens message board
I can understand if that's how you feel. But you need to see that while your husband's views are - as you say - down to his upbringing and past experiences, so are yours. Your views about discipline are only that - your views based on your upbringing and past experiences; they are no more right than your husband's.
You seem to see it as a battle between you and your husband - that he should agree with you or forfeit your love, and that you should stand up to him or lose your self-respect. But if you don't learn to work as a team, this could turn into a very dangerous battle, which could end in disaster.
Focus on what's best for your stepson. Talk to him. Sit him down and ask the lad how he wants to be treated - what he needs in order to grow up to be as good and mature a man as his father is, a man that both of you can be proud of.
Finally, I'd recommend that you and your husband sign up to a parenting course to learn how to cope with the very real challenges of your new family. Parentline Plus offers some excellent courses; log on and find one that you can go to together.
Are you a parent of a teenager? Talk to other iVillage parents on the Parents of Teens message board
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