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Your friend's affair
My friend - let's call her Samantha - confessed that she was on the verge of having an affair. Now for my confession: I didn't slap her hand and tell her to behave herself. Instead, I leaned forward across the restaurant table, practically drooling. Who was he? Had they, you know, done it? Did her partner know what she was up to?
During the weeks that followed, I wished I'd never asked. I was deluged with every intimate, icky detail. One day she called me at work, babbling, 'I'm out with you tonight, OK?'. Without applying for the job, I had become Samantha's alibi. It wasn't a role I relished.
One evening, at a party, Samantha's partner (who I liked very much) cornered me and said, 'I was in that bar at the end of your road last night. I popped round to see you...' My heart started thumping. I was supposed to be out with Samantha (while she had dinner with her lover). But did her partner know that? 'I was out,' was all I could muster as I turned as hot and glossy as a tomato.
A friend's affair is a tense, nervy business. When you're involved, unwittingly or otherwise, you are no longer just a friend. You are a round-the-clock counsellor. Her needs change with the wind: one minute she wants reassurance that a fling 'isn't so terrible'. Next time you see her, she requires a shoulder to cry on and a steady supply of red wine.
Friends like these can be a major source of anxiety. 'A good, wide circle of friends is a great buffer against stress,' advises Professor Stephen Palmer, Director at the Centre for Stress Management. 'But possessive, demanding friends aren't. You might try to be the perfect friend and tell yourself, "I've got to help, I must see her," but this only makes you feel guilty.'
Hang on. Who should be feeling guilty here? If your friend's extra-curricular sex life is giving you a headache, here are six good reasons to butt out:
- You don't know the whole storyA friend with a volatile love life may only give you edited highlights. Armed with snippets and half-truths, you are simply not equipped to offer worthwhile advice. Steer her in the direction of a counsellor or therapist instead.
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