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Obsessed with stunning ex
Dear Sally Ann
I've been with my partner for about a year now, and we are crazy about each other. Unfortunately, I have a problem he doesn't know about - I'm obsessed with his ex. She is a strikingly gorgeous, talented, intelligent woman, and I feel like I can't compete. I know he loves me to bits and wouldn't go back to her, but knowing that he's been with her before me, makes me feel inferior and miserable. I've always had a low self-esteem, but I want to get this problem solved because it's driving me mad. I'm 23. Please help.
Louise
Don't be ashamed. We've all been there and got the t-shirt. Obsessing about your boyfriend's ex is a sort of rite of passage that everyone goes through at your age, and then grows out of - because it is a bit daft.
What you're experiencing is a combination of jealousy and insecurity. It twists you all around and makes you feel ghastly. Objectively, you know you're being stupid. Your boyfriend was with this woman - in the past. Now he's with you, and it's you he loves. The fact that you know that you're feeling madly inappropriate and having illogical thoughts is where you're getting your low self-esteem. (And, by the way, self-esteem is not a permanent state, but a fluctuating one that depends on your circumstances. So don't write yourself off as someone who suffers in an unusual or terminal way.)
What this kind of obsession illustrates is that you really care about this man - to the point where you feel desperate to protect what you've got with him. You are also inventing a problem to protect yourself from your own intense feelings. What would you do if you didn't have her to think about? You'd have to concentrate on what's really important, i.e. your relationship with him.
Because the ex is, in your words, 'strikingly gorgeous', she is perfect fodder for displaced angst. I had one of those. Mine was a model! I used to collect photographs of her and hide them away, guiltily. But, unlike you, I didn't keep my consuming hatred to myself. You have an impressive amount of self-control to be able to resist constantly referring to this woman.
This is what you need to remember: your boyfriend is not hankering after this woman. She isn't trying to steal him back. However gorgeous or talented she was, it didn't work out between them. He moved on.
My own obsession wore off, eventually; it just died a natural death, when I felt more secure and confident. I even let the ex come round to our house once, and my partner fell asleep on the sofa while she was telling one of her long and tedious stories. She may have been an international beauty but, boy, was she a bore.
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