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Should I stay or should I go?
Dear Susan
I am in my mid-50s and have been married for 38 years. I recently discovered my husband has been having an affair for the last three years and I'm devastated. He has done this before and swore it would never happen again. Now I am getting the same promises but can't believe him. He has hurt me so deeply that I don't know which way to turn. Friends and family are very supportive (although my husband does not know they know of the problem and would be very angry if he found out) but attempt to make decisions for me.
I don't know what to do. If I stay, I am condoning his behaviour, but if I leave, it's tearing apart the fabric of so many people's lives. Much of the problem is that he sees this last affair as casual and just for sex, yet I can't see how an affair lasting that length of time can be just casual. The other woman is five years older than me and in many ways I would find it easier if she was younger than me. My husband doesn't understand why this upsets me so much.
How can I get back on track? Although we seem to have found some common ground and resumed a reasonably successful sex life, I cannot see a future for us and I really don't know which way to turn.
Lynda
Hello Lynda,
Everything you say is based on fear. You are scared of forgiving your husband in case he cheats again. Scared of leaving in case you tear apart people's lives. Scared of staying in case it looks as if you are condoning his behaviour. Scared of taking other people's advice because it may be the wrong advice. Scared of the future because it feels unclear.
You need to step aside from your fears and begin to concentrate on what you want in life. You have to take responsibility for your own happiness.
What do you want? Do you want to make your marriage work? Or do you want to be free of him and your marriage and in a position to make your own future and find new love? If you want to leave, then go for it. Don't be fearful of how it will affect other people. They are more resilient than you imagine and will admire you for your determined choice.
If you want to stay, then you must put the past behind you and concentrate on building a good relationship with your husband. I'd recommend counselling together to get back on track.
Finally, three months is a short time to make a decision as serious as this. Don't expect to have a clear mind. In the context 38 years of marriage, you can afford to wait a while before either recommitting or breaking up.
Good luck
Susan
Everything you say is based on fear. You are scared of forgiving your husband in case he cheats again. Scared of leaving in case you tear apart people's lives. Scared of staying in case it looks as if you are condoning his behaviour. Scared of taking other people's advice because it may be the wrong advice. Scared of the future because it feels unclear.
You need to step aside from your fears and begin to concentrate on what you want in life. You have to take responsibility for your own happiness.
What do you want? Do you want to make your marriage work? Or do you want to be free of him and your marriage and in a position to make your own future and find new love? If you want to leave, then go for it. Don't be fearful of how it will affect other people. They are more resilient than you imagine and will admire you for your determined choice.
If you want to stay, then you must put the past behind you and concentrate on building a good relationship with your husband. I'd recommend counselling together to get back on track.
Finally, three months is a short time to make a decision as serious as this. Don't expect to have a clear mind. In the context 38 years of marriage, you can afford to wait a while before either recommitting or breaking up.
Good luck
Susan
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