Advertisement
Topics
Hot stuff
Newsletters
Promotions
Dating dilemmas
Find a new man with the help of DatingDirect.com
Find a new man with the help of DatingDirect.com
Will my lover leave his wife?
Dear Susan,
My husband and I separated three years ago after he had an affair. Whilst I do accept some of the responsibility for the breakdown in our relationship, I cannot forgive his affair. At the time our children were aged three years and four weeks.
Once I knew my husband was leaving I confessed my feelings to a work colleague I had always been attracted to. He admitted to sharing the same feelings and we have been seeing each other since. He is married with two children and says that his marriage is loveless and that he is only there for the sake of the children. He says he intends to leave and that one day, when the time is right, we will be together. I know the old scenario, that married men always say they'll leave and never do, but I believe him. We are great friends and soulmates.
At the moment, I am three years down this road and do not feel I have made any progress. I still miss my husband and love him very much, but don't know if I'm in love with him and I do not feel as attracted to him as the other man. I don't know if my husband will ever come home as he enjoys his new lifestyle - he is no longer with the girl he left me for.
I am incredibly attracted to this other man and am quite happy to wait if I was certain he'd leave, but the trouble is I hate being on my own. I feel destined to be with one or the other of them and I don't know which. Help!
Alison
Dear Alison,
I think you are right to be wary. Yes of course there's a possibility that your new lover will eventually leave his wife. And I am not denying that you love each other and make each other happy, but relationships have a momentum of their own and once they stall, they tend to stall permanently. There's quite a lot of research to suggest that if someone who's having an affair doesn't leave their spouse within six months of the affair's start, they probably won't leave - the impetus is gone and they settle into the new situation of living with spouse and seeing lover separately. As the years pass, it's more and more unlikely that they will be motivated to change the status quo.
However, there are several things that could change your situation. You could try being honest with your lover, explaining to him that you are beginning to need resolution and that whilst you are not threatening him, if you don't start to see evidence of his commitment, you will naturally start to lose yours. Watch his reaction carefully. If he makes promises, but in the end reverts to his former behaviour, then you are backing a loser. In this case, you may want to go for broke and blow the whole affair apart by telling his wife. This will, of course, be a cruel thing to do, but it will change the relationship irrevocably - and you may end up with the man you want. That said, the strain of your confession might lead to your feelings for each other never being the same again.
Alternatively, you could simply wait. There is a breaking point in most marriages when the children leave home. Their job done, husband and wife see a window of opportunity and one or both of them leave. It could be that when his youngest is 18 your lover does shift loyalty to you - or even more ironically, that his wife announces she is leaving.
A final warning: you never mention the possibility of being without a man and I suspect that you are frightened of loneliness. If this is true, your decisions will forever be driven by the fear of being alone and you're at risk of always going along with whatever the men in your life offer. It might be worth reading A Woman Alone Can Be Contented by Lynn Underwood (Foulsham, #8.99), so that if the worst comes to the worst and you do decide to leave your lover, you will be able to cope and come through triumphant.
I think you are right to be wary. Yes of course there's a possibility that your new lover will eventually leave his wife. And I am not denying that you love each other and make each other happy, but relationships have a momentum of their own and once they stall, they tend to stall permanently. There's quite a lot of research to suggest that if someone who's having an affair doesn't leave their spouse within six months of the affair's start, they probably won't leave - the impetus is gone and they settle into the new situation of living with spouse and seeing lover separately. As the years pass, it's more and more unlikely that they will be motivated to change the status quo.
However, there are several things that could change your situation. You could try being honest with your lover, explaining to him that you are beginning to need resolution and that whilst you are not threatening him, if you don't start to see evidence of his commitment, you will naturally start to lose yours. Watch his reaction carefully. If he makes promises, but in the end reverts to his former behaviour, then you are backing a loser. In this case, you may want to go for broke and blow the whole affair apart by telling his wife. This will, of course, be a cruel thing to do, but it will change the relationship irrevocably - and you may end up with the man you want. That said, the strain of your confession might lead to your feelings for each other never being the same again.
Alternatively, you could simply wait. There is a breaking point in most marriages when the children leave home. Their job done, husband and wife see a window of opportunity and one or both of them leave. It could be that when his youngest is 18 your lover does shift loyalty to you - or even more ironically, that his wife announces she is leaving.
A final warning: you never mention the possibility of being without a man and I suspect that you are frightened of loneliness. If this is true, your decisions will forever be driven by the fear of being alone and you're at risk of always going along with whatever the men in your life offer. It might be worth reading A Woman Alone Can Be Contented by Lynn Underwood (Foulsham, #8.99), so that if the worst comes to the worst and you do decide to leave your lover, you will be able to cope and come through triumphant.
Delicious
Digg
reddit
Facebook
StumbleUpon
iVillage Features
Message Boards
Pregnancy & Baby |
Parenting |
Health |
Diet & Fitness |
Beauty & Fashion|
Relationships |
Home & Garden |
Food & Drink |
Work & Career |
Entertainment
Horoscopes| Message Boards | Quizzes | Newsletters | Join
Horoscopes| Message Boards | Quizzes | Newsletters | Join
© iVillage Limited 2000-2008. All rights reserved. | © iVillage inc. 1995-2008. All rights reserved.
iVillage Ltd is a UK company registered in England & Wales (3837269) at 80-110 New Oxford Street, London WC1 1HB
iVillage Ltd is a UK company registered in England & Wales (3837269) at 80-110 New Oxford Street, London WC1 1HB