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Old flames - reunited and rekindled
Dear Susan
My husband of 20 years contacted an old girlfriend through the website Friends Reunited. We're all in our 50s and he's not seen her for over 30 years. Their correspondence has become more intimate - I can access his emails, and asked him to stop, but they still write daily. They recently declared their love for each other. I can't confront him again as that would mean admitting to reading his emails. He says she means nothing, but I don't believe him. What should I do? Should I write to her, tell her husband or just forget about it?
Sue
Dear Sue
I think that you have two problems her. Firstly, whatever your husband claims, he is having an intimate relationship with another woman against your wishes. Secondly, you are deceiving him by reading his emails.
Your marriage needs serious attention. Neither of you are being honest with each other. Both feel scared of the other's reaction. You're building up a web of deceit and mistrust that is causing heartache.
All marriages hit problems, even those that develop happily over 20 years. It's not the problems, but the way you deal with them that matters. Don't feel bad about your marital problems, but do deal with them. Neither of you can ignore the truth.
For these reasons, you do have to challenge your husband again, even if that means admitting that you've been spying on his mail. This may well blow the whole issue wide-open and I can't promise a happy ending. You have thought of ways to tackle your husband's cyber-relationship, but not the root of the problem, which lies in the deterioration of your relationship. You need to bring this out into the open, face the fact that your marriage is under strain, and then take action to solve that. If you can clear the air, delve into the foundations of your relationship and address the roots of the problems, you will end up with a much stronger relationship.
Hugs
Susan
I think that you have two problems her. Firstly, whatever your husband claims, he is having an intimate relationship with another woman against your wishes. Secondly, you are deceiving him by reading his emails.
Your marriage needs serious attention. Neither of you are being honest with each other. Both feel scared of the other's reaction. You're building up a web of deceit and mistrust that is causing heartache.
All marriages hit problems, even those that develop happily over 20 years. It's not the problems, but the way you deal with them that matters. Don't feel bad about your marital problems, but do deal with them. Neither of you can ignore the truth.
For these reasons, you do have to challenge your husband again, even if that means admitting that you've been spying on his mail. This may well blow the whole issue wide-open and I can't promise a happy ending. You have thought of ways to tackle your husband's cyber-relationship, but not the root of the problem, which lies in the deterioration of your relationship. You need to bring this out into the open, face the fact that your marriage is under strain, and then take action to solve that. If you can clear the air, delve into the foundations of your relationship and address the roots of the problems, you will end up with a much stronger relationship.
Hugs
Susan
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iVillage Ltd is a UK company registered in England & Wales (3837269) at 80-110 New Oxford Street, London WC1 1HB