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  |  Marriage  |  Affairs  |  I don't want to devastate my marriage
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I don't want to devastate my marriage

by Susan Quilliam

question
My husband and I have been together for 14 years. I'm 30 now. Two years ago I had an affair with a wonderful man. I treated my husband terribly, but he took me back. However, two months after ending my affair, I came into contact with the other man again. He's left his wife and asked me to leave my husband. I couldn't do it. I still see the other man. I still miss him. I still long for him and the dream we once shared, but find it difficult to leave my husband. I am in turmoil about the devastation it would cause my family. This other man is my soul mate. We have a relationship that my husband and I never had. Please help.
Bernie

answer
I do understand that you don't want to leave your husband because you fear the devastation it would cause your family. But what you probably don't realise is that you are already causing devastation. The fact that you've restarted a relationship with this man is bound to be having an impact on your marriage. Your husband obviously isn't the centre of your attention any more. You aren't giving him the best part of yourself. You are longing to be with someone else, and this must be altering the way you act at home.

I'm not saying that you should stop seeing this man - he may be the right one for you. I'm not saying that you should stay with your husband - your relationship with him may be over. What I'm saying is that if you believe you are keeping things stable by staying, you're wrong. You are already rocking the boat by having such a deep emotional involvement with your lover. You have to decide whether to carry on as you are, go for the breakup, or recommit to your marriage.
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