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Can I stop my crush becoming an affair?
I'm a happily married 55-year-old man who has suddenly developed an all-consuming crush on another woman. We first met over four years ago, after my wife and I joined a line-dancing club. She has done nothing to actively encourage me, nor have I sought anything other than friendship. I don't know how to deal with this - I have no close friends I can talk to and it's driving me mad.
These feelings can be a sign that your marriage is unstable. But from your letter, this isn't the case. You're happy with your wife, and you don't want to leave her. So what should you do about your feelings for the other woman?
My suggestion is this. Deliberately and consciously make a list of all the things you don't like about her - even if they are tiny, trivial things. Next time you meet her, allow yourself to become more aware of these, let them grab your attention, let them annoy you. The reason this will work is that it is the process by which one falls out of love with someone - and if you do it consciously and deliberately, over a period of several weeks, you will fall out of love with this woman. You may then stay friends with her - but you won't be infatuated.
At the same time, you need to strengthen your bond with your wife, reclaim some of the feelings you had for her which have perhaps lessened over time. So take a long hard look at your marriage, and every day work to improve it, to love your wife a little more and build your commitment a little more. It may help to have a few sessions with a counsellor, visit www.relate.org.uk for more details.
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