Three years ago I began an affair with my brother-in-law. I tried to end it because I couldn't bear to hurt my sister or my husband, not to mention the other members of my family, but it has been on and off ever since, the last time ending one year ago. My lover left my sister at the same time and they are now getting divorced.

I have tried to carry on as normal, convincing myself that if my husband is happy then so am I, but I'm not. I'm desperately unhappy and don't know what to do.

To try and keep myself 'in' my marriage I talked my husband into getting a big mortgage and moved my mother in with us, but now I can see no way out. I cry all the time, am not sleeping well and don't know what the answer is.

answer

There is something very wrong here. What I'm getting is that you don't want to be with your husband. You do want to be with your brother-in-law. You want to do the right thing by your families so you've tied yourself down with a mortgage and a Mum to block off your escape and force yourself to do the right thing. But now that your brother-in-law is free, you are actually desperate to escape, desperate to be with him and stop all this pretending.

And there's the answer. You need to stop pretending - at least to yourself. You have to face up to what you want and what you don't want, and stop trying to act as if everything is ok.

So find someone with whom, on a regular basis, you can be absolutely upfront and honest. I don't mean a friend or a relative - that's far too close to home. I'd see a counsellor, who will keep your secrets completely and with whom you can discuss what's happening without holding back.

Once you're being honest with yourself you'll not only feel a lot better, but also over time, your way forward will become clear. At the moment I don't know what that way will be - though I do advise you to take a leaf out of your brother-in-law's book and end one relationship before starting another.

ivillage uk

Cheating on my man with my sister's husband