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Wedding plans are wrecking our relationship

by Susan Quilliam

Dear Susan,
My fiance and I are planning to wed in July 2004. Friends suggested that we should at least book a ceremony and reception venue as they get booked up well in advance, so we've started to look at venues, etc., and have found that our friends aren't wrong! Anyway, we've only been looking for a few weeks and already I can feel the stress building. We talked about it last night and we both said we feel distant from each other - like we're flatmates rather than lovers. Of course this distance has lead to our sex life becoming virtually non-existent. Now I feel like I'm in a vicious circle and can't stop it. We both want the same from our special day but if this is how the 18-month run-up will be then I don't know if I can cope. We both still deeply love each other and want to get married but would forgetting the idea completely be the best option? Is this what happens when you plan a wedding?
Kelli

answer

Dear Kelli,
You ask if anyone else has started to feel tense and stressed when they started planning their wedding! Excuse me? I don't know anyone who doesn't feel stressed and tense. So you're definitely not alone. How to cope with it? Well, you have a number of options.

Option number one is the traditional one. Don't do it yourself - let your mum, your family and your relatives do it all for you. The benefits are that you just relax and turn up on the day. The downside is that you don't have any control over what's happening, and may well end up with a wedding you don't want and don't actually enjoy. But your mum will probably be over the moon that she gets to organise the day.

Option number two is the low-cost one. Cut down your wedding plans to the bare bones - just a registry office ceremony with one or two relatives and friends followed by a meal at a restaurant. This can be arranged in a very short time, with very little effort on your part. The disadvantage is that you don't get a big show, or a day to remember, and you may well feel cheated about that later on. Plus, your relatives and friends may well feel cheated too, and may well blame you, very loudly. You can get round this perhaps by having a party for everyone when you've got your breath back from the wedding day itself - but still expect a lot of fallout.

Option number three is to go ahead with the huge wedding, but to regard it all as a rehearsal for married life, when you will have to deal with loads of practicalities on a day-to-day basis - particularly with children. When you hit stress or arguments, work through them, supporting each other. This has a lot of benefits from the point of view of training the two of you to make a success of your marriage. But it'll be a rough ride, and you may not be ready for it yet.

Option number four is the one you mention. Declare yourselves committed for life, but don't bother with the formal wedding with all the frills. This takes the strain off, and the only disadvantage is that if the two of you want and need a ritual to declare yourselves married, then you won't feel complete without it.

OK - those are your options. As they say on Blind Date, the choice is yours. If your relationship's strong, then whatever option you choose, you'll make it.