A dose of married life

Saturday 17th February
Have been desperate for the weekend due to being deprived of adult company all week. Have also been salivating over the thought of a long lie-in. I calculate that, since we've had children, I have had nine lie-ins compared to Jack's 273. Simply refuse to get up, but so does my husband, and so enjoy a relaxing doze with Lily hammering me with a Duplo train. Practise thought transmission ('Bring me caffeine... bring me caffeine...') and it appears to work as Jack lurches out of bed and thunders downstairs.

Await aroma of Lavazza but can detect only muffled shouting from the living room. When I investigate, it appears that 'The Green Rectangle' has once again beamed onto our home. My icy gaze forces Jack off his backside and he says, 'So! What are we doing this weekend?'

Am always astounded at men's assumption that women can create a thrilling itinerary to amuse three children and two adults, all at a second's notice. It is raining. The boys are whipping each other with Jack's bootlaces. He glances at me, hopefully. 'I haven't the faintest idea,' I say, smugly.