Great Expectations

Weathering storms together
What people really seem to value in their marriage is the companionship that comes from intimate knowledge of someone. As tollysmum says: 'I like the steady accumulation of shared history and memories (some very sad). When I saw my husband carrying my mothers coffin into church with my three brothers - I think that was the moment I knew it was life for us.' Similarly, jenny describes what she values most in her marriage: 'We've really weathered some storms, and sometimes we have hated each other for months at a time, but really at the end of the day, I have to say that its been worth sticking it out, because I have gained a best friend I couldn't exist without.'

These valued aspects of long marriages - sharing, companionship, friendship and memories - is a far cry from the dizzy romance that characterises the engagement and wedding. Perhaps it just takes a while for young couples to reconcile these two images of married life. The jostling over housework, bills and the frequency of sex is simply the teething process between the wedding and a happy marriage.

The important thing, at the beginning, is not to conform too much to your partner's expectations of you, and, in return, to gracefully relinquish some of your own ideals. As long as clear boundaries are set out from the start (an agreement to share the housework equally is vital), then it seems that men and women don't have wildly different views of married life - they just like something to complain to their mates about down the pub.

Have a look at what other iVillagers are talking about LIVE on the Highs and Lows of Being a Couple message board.