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Before you say 'I do'
continued from page 5
Troubleshooting
You will disagree with each other on some issues - and that's normal. The aim of the exercises is to make you aware of your differences. Marriage is about give and take - and the bottom line is that you won't get all of what you want, even some of the time. So if you disagree, don't panic - just keep talking until you understand each other - and see where you can meet in the middle.
What if the two of you disagree about life goals?
The one where it won't be possible to 'meet in the middle' is where there are disagreements over deeply held beliefs or life goals. The following are the big issues: sexual orientation, the importance of fidelity, wanting children, ethical or religious beliefs. If you differ on any of these, then it will be very difficult to find a middle road.
It may seem as if these things will work themselves out in time - for example, if one of you wants children and the other doesn't then you may hope that the 'anti' partner will change their mind. But such deep rooted differences are almost always a cause of unsolvable problems later down the line.
What if your fiance won't do this exercise?
If your fiance won't play, then you can learn a lot from doing this exercise alone - though you won't get a complete picture of how the two of you differ, and hence what problems you might meet once you're wed.
But the problem is, if he won't put in the time to discuss things with you at this stage, it probably means that he doesn't see the marriage commitment in the same way as you do. Further down the line if things get tough, you may have deep divisions about whether you are willing to work on the relationship.
What if you realise that you're not happy about the marriage? If having explored your individual thoughts and feelings you're not sure, hesitate. Marriage is a huge challenge and there is no point in taking on that challenge unless you are certain you can handle it. Hesitation doesn't mean the end of the world, however. Have some sessions with a counsellor and it is very likely you can resolve your differences and settle your doubts.
Relate offers pre-marriage courses and individual couples counselling.
Engaged? Planning your wedding? Talk to other brides-to-be on The Wedding Planner message board
Troubleshooting
You will disagree with each other on some issues - and that's normal. The aim of the exercises is to make you aware of your differences. Marriage is about give and take - and the bottom line is that you won't get all of what you want, even some of the time. So if you disagree, don't panic - just keep talking until you understand each other - and see where you can meet in the middle.
What if the two of you disagree about life goals?
The one where it won't be possible to 'meet in the middle' is where there are disagreements over deeply held beliefs or life goals. The following are the big issues: sexual orientation, the importance of fidelity, wanting children, ethical or religious beliefs. If you differ on any of these, then it will be very difficult to find a middle road.
It may seem as if these things will work themselves out in time - for example, if one of you wants children and the other doesn't then you may hope that the 'anti' partner will change their mind. But such deep rooted differences are almost always a cause of unsolvable problems later down the line.
What if your fiance won't do this exercise?
If your fiance won't play, then you can learn a lot from doing this exercise alone - though you won't get a complete picture of how the two of you differ, and hence what problems you might meet once you're wed.
But the problem is, if he won't put in the time to discuss things with you at this stage, it probably means that he doesn't see the marriage commitment in the same way as you do. Further down the line if things get tough, you may have deep divisions about whether you are willing to work on the relationship.
What if you realise that you're not happy about the marriage? If having explored your individual thoughts and feelings you're not sure, hesitate. Marriage is a huge challenge and there is no point in taking on that challenge unless you are certain you can handle it. Hesitation doesn't mean the end of the world, however. Have some sessions with a counsellor and it is very likely you can resolve your differences and settle your doubts.
Relate offers pre-marriage courses and individual couples counselling.
Engaged? Planning your wedding? Talk to other brides-to-be on The Wedding Planner message board
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