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Exhausted by married life
Dear Susan,
I have been married to my husband for almost 11 years and we have two children of six and eight. I have recently returned to full-time work and my husband has a very demanding job, which requires him to work long hours. I feel as though we never see each other and when we do we are both so tired that we just want to sleep. We hardly ever make love, as we are both so tired. I resent him spending so much time at work but I understand that he has a position of responsibility. Will our marriage last if we carry on this way?
Pauline
Dear Pauline,
The answer to your question is 'probably not'. You can struggle on with the sort of symptoms you're describing, but what I sense is that you are exhausted, not only physically but also emotionally, and that if this continues, one or both of you will want to separate.
Why are you having so much trouble in keeping your marriage together? Well, you're bright enough to know the answer to that. Before you took your full-time job, the two of you were able to survive because while your husband worked full time, you were based at home. Now this has all changed, it's become too much of a strain.
Against the background of your exhaustion, these problems have brought up serious questions about your marriage 'deal'. Before you went back to work, perhaps it was easier for you to rationalise the fact that your husband worked so hard and gave so much to his career. Now that you too have a full-time job, you are waiting for him to start giving a little back, supporting you in the way you have supported him up to now - and he's just not doing it. So something has to change if you are going to survive.
This problem isn't just down to lack of communication - the fact is that you are both so burned out that communication has gone right to the bottom of your agenda. How can you alter that? I'm not saying that the only way out of this is for you to give up work. If between you, you don't come up with a solution that reduces the workload that you both are shouldering, then something will give.
Now that you are both in full-time work, you need to sit down together and work out a new deal. The solution may be for him to cut back his workload, or you to work part-time. It might be to get more help around the house. But the bottom line is that you can't expect both of you to work so hard. So start talking, start negotiating and find a way to take the pressure off, before it's too late.
The answer to your question is 'probably not'. You can struggle on with the sort of symptoms you're describing, but what I sense is that you are exhausted, not only physically but also emotionally, and that if this continues, one or both of you will want to separate.
Why are you having so much trouble in keeping your marriage together? Well, you're bright enough to know the answer to that. Before you took your full-time job, the two of you were able to survive because while your husband worked full time, you were based at home. Now this has all changed, it's become too much of a strain.
Against the background of your exhaustion, these problems have brought up serious questions about your marriage 'deal'. Before you went back to work, perhaps it was easier for you to rationalise the fact that your husband worked so hard and gave so much to his career. Now that you too have a full-time job, you are waiting for him to start giving a little back, supporting you in the way you have supported him up to now - and he's just not doing it. So something has to change if you are going to survive.
This problem isn't just down to lack of communication - the fact is that you are both so burned out that communication has gone right to the bottom of your agenda. How can you alter that? I'm not saying that the only way out of this is for you to give up work. If between you, you don't come up with a solution that reduces the workload that you both are shouldering, then something will give.
Now that you are both in full-time work, you need to sit down together and work out a new deal. The solution may be for him to cut back his workload, or you to work part-time. It might be to get more help around the house. But the bottom line is that you can't expect both of you to work so hard. So start talking, start negotiating and find a way to take the pressure off, before it's too late.
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