Deciphering the Kama Sutra

Foreplay is not just the camel ride back to his place. It is an art to be learned and in the Kama Sutra it is aimed at preparing the woman for penetration but without undermining her fulfilment. All men should take note of this advice: 'Oh, you men,' it exhorts, 'who seek for the love and affection of women and desire to retain them, see that you frolic before copulation. Prepare her for the enjoyment and let nothing be neglected to attain this end. Explore her with all possible activity.'

To this path of pleasure are added many affectionate and humorous stipulations. According to the Kama Sutra no position is worthwhile unless it facilitates kissing. Each type of kiss is given a name. There's the Kiss That Kindles Love, given when a woman looks at the face of her lover while he is asleep and kisses it to show her intention or desire. The Clasping Kiss encloses the lover's lips. Women are advised not to do this with moustachioed men.

Calling each other's genitals by affectionate names is particularly recommended:

His

• The Smith's Bellows - because of its alternative deflation and inflation
• The Jingler - on account of the noise it makes each time it enters or leaves the vulva
• The Tailor does not enter the vulva until it has manoeuvred at the entrance, like a needle in cloth.

Hers

• The Starling is applied to a brunette's vulva.
• The Squeezer: 'Immediately after penetration it starts to squeeze the member and draw it in with such gusto, that were it possible it would absorb the testicles, too.'
• The Sprinkler makes a loud rustling noise while having a pee.

The Kama Sutra. Take some of its advice to heart and try out its positions with a sense of humour. But remember, 'Do not drink rain water immediately after coition as it tends to weaken the loins.'