Hidden treasure - the pleasure organ

‘Having sex with a woman and not stimulating her clitoris is like playing darts without the bull’s eye’

To his credit, Freud at least knew it existed, but bedtime can’t have been much fun for Mrs. Freud. Surveys show that it isn’t for a lot of today’s women, either. Sexologists have put this down to modern day stress, worry and feeling tired. We know better; lots of men are simply bad at sex because they don’t hit the right button, although we hit their jackpot every time. Having sex with a woman and not stimulating her clitoris is like playing darts without the bull’s eye. No wonder so many of us are faking it sometimes, or, all the time.

The problem is that down the ages the clitoris is always being discovered only to be lost again. Sixteenth-century anatomist, Mateo Colombo pounced on it with scalpel and set the Catholic world into a fluster, Freud titillated the Victorians with it. In l953, the Kinsey Report told women what they already knew, that the clitoris was the anatomical site of the female orgasm. In l976, Shere Hite came blasting into the debate; not to have an orgasm from intercourse, she said, was by far the most common experience for women. She interviewed hundreds of men. ‘Where is the clitoris?’ she asked. The vast majority didn’t know, and worse, many didn’t want to know. One man thought it was a mop. Pity the woman who asks him to clean her kitchen floor.

But women are also out of touch with themselves and it’s time we reclaimed it for good. We need to acknowledge our hidden site of pleasure before we can instruct anyone else to. An old school friend stuck a big diagram of female genitalia on her bedroom wall with a big circle around the clitoris. It provoked discussion but not a big search. ‘It seemed to put men off,’ she said. Clearly, diagrams do not lead the way to a well-oiled clit.

Perhaps we women need to first acknowledge the clitoris for the pleasure giving wonder it is, before embarking on a tour of promotion. Here are a few suggestions to help us on our way:

1. Claim your own little darling. If you haven’t met yet, get a hand mirror, lie on your back, open your legs and have a good look and feel.
   
2. Practice saying the word ‘clitoris’ like a mantra. The aim is to overcome the embarrassment and shame a lot of women feel when they say the word.
   
3. Stop faking orgasms. It’s misleading your partner(s) and isn’t fair on you and your clit.
   
4. Find out what turns your clit on, and then tell the lover in your life.
   
5. Love yourself every which way, and the shame that has hidden the clitoris (and probably everything else around it) will dissipate.
   
6. Ask your lover if he would be able to enjoy sex without having his penis touched. An honest guy will say, No. Tell him, sexual satisfaction without the clitoris is just as laughable. If he doesn’t get it, don’t let him anywhere near your body.
   
7. If he’s getting his full quota of blow jobs from you, but isn’t prepared to treat your clit like a lollipop, do a deal, or leave.

Have you claimed your own little darling? Talk to iVillagers about sex, pleasure and men’s fumblings on the message board.