Out of order: your guy's performance problems

His mind is willing, but his flesh is weak

The problem
Impotence, or Erectile Dysfunction (ED), is defined as being unable to maintain an erection sufficient for intercourse. Global ED is being unable to get an erection at all, under any circumstances and Situational ED is being unable to get one with a partner (but, for example, having no trouble during masturbation). Having sex late at night with a belly full of food and alcohol can also affect erections temporarily; sex in the morning nearly always produces a harder penis.

How you react the first time he has an erection problem is crucial. If you shrug your shoulders or even have a laugh together, it's unlikely to happen on a regular basis. Why? If he's terrified he'll upset you again, his penis will prefer to sulk in the corner of his Calvin's rather than go through that humiliation again! In the future, don't pretend you haven't noticed, but do stay calm about it.

Stroke him or gently massage him to see what happens. But diving dramatically downward to desperately try to revive him will just freak him out further.

Other men find they can get an erection without any problems, but it goes down the minute they penetrate. Performance anxiety is often the cause of this type of ED but it can also be (sorry, girls) an un-toned vagina. The tighter you are, the harder his erection is likely to be.

Action plan:

• If he's only having occasional problems, it's probably caused by too much alcohol, drugs, medication, pressure or stress. Get him to eat healthily, exercise more and talk through any emotional concerns.
• If it is happening often, the first step is to check if he gets an early morning erection or can achieve one with masturbation. If he can't, book him an appointment with his general practitioner for a full check-up, and ask for a referral to a urologist.
• If he is able to get morning erections, it's unlikely to be a physical problem. Tackle it by challenging the psychological issues I talked about before. This could be as simple as deciding to stop worrying about it! Have sex without penetration - where he uses his hands, mouth or tongue - and just enjoy the journey (and probably more orgasms than you'd usually have through penetration), rather than being focused on intercourse.
• Tell him to try not to get an erection. If he does anyway, ignore it initially (even if you both feel like cracking open champagne) until it's a common occurrence. Once it is, experiment with brief penetration - you climb on top, then lift yourself off after one or two thrusts - before attempting full intercourse. It's common to try these non-drug methods before succumbing to the little blue pills. And if he has heart problems or high blood pressure the pills aren't an option anyway.