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The libido see-saw

by Julia Cole

If your relationship is experiencing mismatched sex drives or loss of interest in sex, find out what you can do to boost your love life

You know the picture. You've been together a while and the first flush of lust has faded slightly. To make matters worse, when you're in the mood he's glued to the footy. And when he wants sex you've just had the day from hell at work and want a glass of Chardonnay and a soap on the TV

If you recognise this scenario, you're not alone. Loss of interest in sex and mismatched sexual desires are the most common female problems brought to Relate psychosexual therapists. The truth is that sexual desire doesn't run at full flood from puberty to old age. Hormonal, physical, mental and emotional change affects sexual mood and desire in both men and women.

Stress and anxiety are the chief passion-killers, followed closely by lifestyle concerns. Moving house, having a baby or even getting promotion at work can all put pressure on your love life. Research suggests that sexual activity ebbs and flows - that is, couples often go through periods of making love several times in a few days or a week, followed by some weeks of little or no sexual activity.

Ride the wave
But if you feel your sex life is not so much a see-saw as a roller coaster ride, with huge ups and downs, here's how you can enjoy sex more often...

Prioritise time to be together. Couples often put everything else before lovemaking, preferring DIY, TV, meals out with friends and even cleaning the bathroom to an evening together with no distractions. If you feel that planning time to be together is unromantic, think back to when you spent all Saturday getting ready to meet your boyfriend on the off-chance that you might end up in bed together. Did that feel unspontaneous? No, it felt sexy and exciting. Apply the same thinking to planned time with your partner.
Research from a leading UK sexologist, Professor Alan Riley, has found that women often experience situational desire rather than just desire before sex. This means that if they are turned on by a sexual approach, they will respond positively if the situation is right. Planning time for sex feeds into natural female sexual responses in contrast to the male model of waiting for desire to strike.
If you are tired or stressed, your sex drive will sink. Plus, if your relationship is under strain, it's very hard to feel sexy towards one another. Relax more and work on eliminating obvious sources of stress from your life and you may find your sex life improves. You can also try couple counselling. Talking to a counsellor can help you resolve problems such as lack of trust or frequent arguments so that sex feels more natural again. Find a counsellor at www.relate.org.uk or www.basrt.org.uk
It may seem obvious but it's crucial to talk to your partner about sex. Don't try this when you are in bed together or in the middle of lovemaking. Telling your partner they are too rough or never give you an orgasm when you are trying to be intimate will blight future attempts at getting close. Instead, when you have a quiet moment to talk, explain how much you want to make love, asking your partner what he likes and dislikes in lovemaking. Then offer your own suggestions about your preferences, including sexual likes and dislikes.