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Out of order: your guy's performance problems
As a woman whose job involves writing about, analysing and researching sex, some men find me intimidating. More specifically it's their penises that seem to find me intimidating
Often they won't even come out and introduce themselves until I've been seeing their owner for quite a while. Unlike most women, I'm accustomed to this issue. So, not only do I not take it personally; I also know that, the less fuss you make about erection problems, the quicker they're solved.
But, besides just playing it cool, there are many other things you can do to help out your guy through this uncomfortable situation and others - from Erectile Dysfunction to Premature Ejaculation to the men who last too long. Read on.
He seems disinterested
The problem
Because most men believe that a permanent, raging erection is a sign of 'being a man,' it can feel emasculating and confusing when, for example, seeing your breasts doesn't make him instantly want to have sex with you. But don't dive in right away with the line of 'what's wrong?' questioning; he'll be sensitive about it.
What will be effective, however, is waiting until you're both in good moods and saying, 'Honey, I've noticed you don't want sex as often as you used to. Are you feeling stressed at the moment? I love our sex life and I miss it.'
This is a non-judgemental way to start up a real conversation, and it's relatively easy to take it from there. Vow to listen properly and don't take any of it personally. Repeat back in your own words what he says to you to ensure there's no confusion.
Action plan:
- If there's an obvious emotional problem - stress levels through the roof, grieving over the loss of a parent, fears you don't love him anymore - talking can often being reassuring. Plan a holiday if he's super-stressed, or offer up some (non-sexual) back massages and pamper time. Try to de-stress his life and make it clear you're happy with quick sex sessions which take less time and energy.
- If the issue seems physically-based, ask him to visit his doctor to get a full exam. The doctor will need to look at his lifestyle, general health and medications to see what effect it's all having on his body. And yes, this exam will involve him telling the truth about his lifestyle, including any recreational drug use and excessive drinking or smoking.
- If he gets the all-clear from his doctor, he might be given tests to check his testosterone level. Testosterone is responsible for his sex drive and it drops by 15 per cent each decade from age 40 onward. You have three choices to give it a boost: a pill, patch or injection. He also must have his prostate checked for medical reasons.
- Is he simply bored? When was the last time you tried something new? Are you both putting real effort into keep things interesting? While the worst thing you can do is react to loss of desire by going overboard on the seduction techniques, a quiet but thorough overhaul of a predictable sex life can often work wonders.
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