Out of order: your guy's performance problems

He finishes too quickly

The problem
Premature ejaculation (PE) is when a man orgasms too fast for his, or his partner's, satisfaction. This can mean anything from five thrusts to 15 minutes of thrusting, depending on the people involved. Around 30 per cent of men experience PE at some point in their lives with many men ejaculating within two minutes of penetration.

Causes include lessons learned from early masturbation (having to get it over with quickly before being discovered), performance anxiety, not enough regular sex and youth (the younger he is, the more likely it is to happen). Again, it's a touchy subject but he also feels he's letting you down by not lasting long enough for you to orgasm (the fact that around 80 per cent of women get their orgasms via his tongue or fingers still hasn't quite sunk in for most men).

That's why you need to make it abundantly clear that you're content and happy. Once he knows that, he'll worry less because it takes the pressure off.

Action plan:

• A simple solution is for you to take charge during penetration (via a woman on top position). That way you can control his level of arousal by keeping an eye on him. If he does orgasm, simply wait for him to pass through the resolution phase and get a second erection. Plus, the more often he has sex, the longer he'll last.
• The squeeze technique is the old, traditional method of dealing with PE. When he's highly aroused, you firmly squeeze the head of the penis for 15-20 seconds, your thumb on the frenulum (the stringy piece of skin where the head connects to the shaft), first and second fingers on the top of the head. This often delays orgasm.
• The newer - and I think more effective - method is the stop-start technique. Step one: He masturbates himself to figure out how he feels immediately before orgasm, then stops stimulation before the orgasm happens. He should do this four times - bring himself to the brink, then stop - before finally allowing himself to orgasm. Continue this 'training' for several weeks until he essentially determines his 'point of no return.' Step two: This time you masturbate him, and he tells you when to start and stop. Step three: You repeat the initial exercise but this time he's inside you. Again, allow him to get excited, then stop, then start again. After three or four times of peaking, he's allowed to orgasm. The secret to getting the 'stop-start' right is to focus on pleasure and sensation, rather than focusing on him trying to stop himself from ejaculating.

He lasts too long

The problem
It's called retarded ejaculation. He's not able to ejaculate when he wants to, despite intense and prolonged thrusting or oral sex. Initially, men tend to think God's just handed down a very special present but after the thrill wears off, it becomes frustrating and often painful.

Most men also quickly figure out it has the opposite effect on women than he first thought; it causes concern rather than pleasure.

Action plan:

• Is he on anti-depressants? If so, that's probably the culprit for late orgasms. If he's tired or under lots of pressure and this is the first time you're noticing the issue, his exhaustion is probably responsible. Age also affects the pace of ejaculation.
• The first step, as usual, is to get a full medical exam. Prostate problems are sometimes responsible so you must get it checked.
• Is he too embarrassed to ask for something he needs to tip him over into orgasm (a finger inserted in the anus, for example)? Make it clear you're happy to indulge any reasonable request.
• Can he masturbate himself to orgasm? If he can, it's probably not a medically-based problem. He may be focusing too much on your pleasure, afraid to let go (perhaps because of a previous pregnancy scare or infidelity) or he may have control or power issues in the relationship (he's angry and feels a need to 'withhold').
• Desensitisation techniques are effective to get him used to ejaculating with you, rather than just solo. He starts by masturbating in another room, while you're in the next room with the door open. Next, he masturbates while you stand at the opposite side of the same room, but facing the other way. Finally, he works his way closer and closer until he's able to bring himself to orgasm while you lie beside him. From there on, it's baby steps till he's inside, happily thrusting away and problem sorted!