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Delayed ejaculation
Dear Dr Patti
It takes my boyfriend ages to have an orgasm. We may have sex every day yet it is only every third day that he has an orgasm. Is this normal? I feel uncomfortable about stopping sex without him climaxing, but he says it's not a problem. Can a man enjoy sex this way?
M
Your boyfriend is having what's known as delayed orgasm, or delayed ejaculation — a condition that affects one man in ten. Often talking about it together is the best treatment.
The first step is for him to visit a Well Man clinic or see his GP and ask to be referred to an urologist, where he can be examined. That will assure you and him that there's not some mitigating condition preventing his release. It may be that his body is producing a retrograde ejaculation, sending the fluids back along the urethral canal. Thus, no ejaculate is present when he releases. An urologist will be able to determine whether that is happening. But if he is simply not having orgasms with you, that's something else.
I suggest that you talk over with him how he feels about sex and orgasm. Despite the prevailing belief that men do not like to talk about their feelings, this is one issue that demands discussion. And you, his sexual partner, must get him to open up, even if he resists. Research indicates that most men with delayed orgasm may be demonstrating signs of mistrust in the relationship. They may fear letting go of their self-control or revealing some other emotional issue. In these cases, the act of holding on feels safer than the release itself. So ask him. Find out about his sexual past. Did other women hurt him? Does he want to feel the closeness that only an orgasm inside your body can provide or is this level of intimacy a little too much?
I also sense that you may not enjoy his continuing to penetrate you for long periods of time. That may provoke your feelings of sexual inadequacy and make you feel as if you are not enough. Let those feelings go, if you can. Find ways to share pleasure, time and closeness as a couple before you begin sexual intercourse. Do let him know that long-lasting thrusting can be painful, irritating and dissatisfying. If all else fails, take breaks along the way and be creative about your shared lovemaking styles.
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