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How to know when you've reached your peak
Dear Dr Patti
I've been with the same guy for four years and it's been great. He was my first sexual partner so we had to experiment as we went along. The problem is that he has asked me whether I orgasm or not and I honestly don't know. I've read so many amazing stories in magazines, but I don't think I'm 'hitting the roof' the same way as those women do. How do I know when, and whether, I've reached orgasm during sex? Please help.
K
The quest for the Big O perplexes many women and their partners. Have faith — you can get there. You may even be reaching your orgasmic peak without knowing it. I have coached many women who were unsure, when in fact they were on the edge of orgasm and didn't realise it. For some women their orgasmic burst is a hiccup, not an erupting volcano. With proper practice and concentration rather than straining towards the goal, you can have a deeper, more intense experience at that point of climax.
First, I suggest that you let put aside the goal of having an O. Making orgasm your sexual goal can actually dampen your chances of having one. I often tell my female clients to let go of the idea of getting to the end of the line and instead place their attention on the present, as in, ‘What's happening now?’ Feel the sensations in your body. Notice your thoughts. Focus on your breathing. Enjoy the touch and the feel of your lover's hands, mouth and penis, whatever it is, on your skin. Bask in the delighting of all of your senses — taste, smell, hearing, sight and touch. Allow yourself to let go of any desires to become fully orgasmic and follow the patterns of pleasure as they unfold.
Next, I also coach women and men to learn how orgasm best occurs. One of my favourite tools is a video by Betty Dodson, Celebrating Orgasm. It shows her unique method for teaching women how to open up their orgasmic potential, using masturbation as the key.
If you are unable to get orgasmic with your partner during sexual intercourse, perhaps he needs to stimulate your clitoris directly or indirectly with other means before inserting his penis into your vagina. The use of sexual aids, such as dildos, vibrators, lubrication, costumes, lotions and sensual devices, may also help you to focus on the playful aspects of sex together rather than relying on good old nature to get you there.
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