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I've never had an orgasm
Dear Susan,
I have had a sexual relationship with a few men and I have been in my current relationship for three years. I haven't had an orgasm yet - even with the other men. Do I have a problem? If so, what should I do about it? I'm scared of telling my partner in case he thinks it's him.
Please help me.
Anon
Dear Anon,
Don't panic. There's almost certainly nothing wrong with you or your partner. But unlike men, most women have to learn to have an orgasm because each woman has a slightly different way of getting there. And you have to experiment in order to find out what works for you.
The first thing to realise is that for most women, intercourse alone doesn't bring them to orgasm. The secret to female orgasm is the clitoris - a small sensitive part of your genitals just above your vagina, that's the equivalent of the tip of a man's penis.
Now when your partner is penetrating you, he usually won't be touching your clitoris at all. There are three ways you could get the stimulation you need. First, by getting so worked up before intercourse that you're nearly at the point of orgasm - and then penetration finishes you off. Second, by either you or your partner sliding your hand down and touching your clitoris during intercourse. Or third, by finding a position for intercourse that means your clitoris is being stimulated, because your man's penis touches it as he slides in and out. But as I said, all of these need a lot of experimentation.
Your first move has to be to learn to climax on your own - so try touching yourself, seeing what turns you on. And once you know what turns you on, then you and your partner together can work out how to adapt this to lovemaking. If you need extra help on what to try, then why not read Extended Massive Orgasm by Steve Bodansky and Vera Bodansky (Vermilion, £9.99).
So don't blame yourself. And do tell your partner it's not his fault either. All you need to do is play around and find out what works - then give yourselves lots of practice.
Don't panic. There's almost certainly nothing wrong with you or your partner. But unlike men, most women have to learn to have an orgasm because each woman has a slightly different way of getting there. And you have to experiment in order to find out what works for you.
The first thing to realise is that for most women, intercourse alone doesn't bring them to orgasm. The secret to female orgasm is the clitoris - a small sensitive part of your genitals just above your vagina, that's the equivalent of the tip of a man's penis.
Now when your partner is penetrating you, he usually won't be touching your clitoris at all. There are three ways you could get the stimulation you need. First, by getting so worked up before intercourse that you're nearly at the point of orgasm - and then penetration finishes you off. Second, by either you or your partner sliding your hand down and touching your clitoris during intercourse. Or third, by finding a position for intercourse that means your clitoris is being stimulated, because your man's penis touches it as he slides in and out. But as I said, all of these need a lot of experimentation.
Your first move has to be to learn to climax on your own - so try touching yourself, seeing what turns you on. And once you know what turns you on, then you and your partner together can work out how to adapt this to lovemaking. If you need extra help on what to try, then why not read Extended Massive Orgasm by Steve Bodansky and Vera Bodansky (Vermilion, £9.99).
So don't blame yourself. And do tell your partner it's not his fault either. All you need to do is play around and find out what works - then give yourselves lots of practice.
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