Dear Dr Patti
I have a really nice boyfriend. He really is sweet and kind. The problem is that I don't feel any ‘spark’ at all and am not attracted to him sexually — I completely shut down when it comes to sex. I’ve never had a problem with sex before. We have been creating a life together, and on other levels things are good. We have talked extensively and openly about my sexual feelings, and we’re both eager to try and make things better. Do you think it may all come down to chemistry? Can something be done, or do I just go on in an otherwise good relationship without being sexually fulfilled?
M

answer

Dear M
Whether attraction can be induced or created is an age-old question. Certainly the longstanding interest in aphrodisiacs shows we'd all like to believe that sexual chemistry can be induced, but there may be something deeper than a lack of champagne and oysters dampening the sparks with your boyfriend. For example, you may be following a pattern whereby you avoid intimacy and sex with one person. If that's the case, psychotherapy may help. Perhaps something in your childhood is preventing you from having a close adult relationship on a physical as well as an emotional level.

I suggest you indulge in some sensual activities together, which may help you connect physically. Perhaps a long, languorous bath or a massage out in the open on a beach or grassy knoll may jump-start your sex life. Try using sensual essential oils, which are said to have aphrodisiac properties, such as sandalwood, jasmine and rose. Research has indicated that the sense of smell plays an important part in sexual attraction.

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