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Sexual synchrony - dealing with different libidos
I think my husband is obsessed with sex. He seems to want it everyday, 24/7. We love each other and have a good relationship and I consider myself sexually active and healthy, but I just cannot perform that frequently. I'm feeling very pressured - I've tried to explain but he just doesn't seem to get it.
This one's tricky, isn't it? There's absolutely nothing wrong with your husband wanting sex all the time. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with you not wanting it as much as he does. But he's probably feeling frustrated - and as you say, you're feeling pressured. So let me make two suggestions - one practical and one emotional.
First, try working out a compromise between you and your husband. Literally, get him to specify how many times he wants sex each week. Then you specify how many times you'd ideally want it. Then agree a figure midway between the two extremes. Knowing that he is going to be guaranteed sex may make your husband more relaxed and less desperate for it. Knowing that you aren't going to be pressured for sex may make you more relaxed and less defensive. (You may also want to get a bit more specific about what your husband needs. Is he asking for intercourse the whole time, or perhaps he would be content with oral sex or masturbation, which you might not find so pressuring?)
Alternatively, consider whether the issue here is really sex. Sometimes, partners are eager for lovemaking because they're feeling insecure in other areas of the relationship. And certainly if there are any problems between the two of you, your husband may be worrying that you don't want him sexually - while you may be worrying that he doesn't want you emotionally.
The long-term effect of this may be that he is pushing for sex, while you're pushing for a bit more consideration - and the two of you end up chasing each other round the bedroom. So talk through how you feel about each other emotionally at the moment, whether there are stresses and strains, whether there are resentments - apart from the sex issue - that need resolving.
You may feel more able to talk through these things with a counsellor to facilitate the conversation - in which case call relate (www.relate.org.uk) and arrange a few sessions.
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