Three women... and a sex therapist

I found these days unbearable and felt angry and resentful. Sometimes I'd give in and have sex to avoid the arguments. But in the end, this just made me more resentful. Eventually we started going to bed at different times, almost living more like brother and sister than husband and wife.

One day I found an article about women who didn?t want sex and it suggested talking to a GP or contacting a counsellor. I felt too embarrassed to talk to my family doctor so I looked on the internet. I found a qualified counsellor who specialised in relationship and sexual problems and suggested to David that we should make an appointment.

He wasn't too keen on the idea of discussing our private life with a stranger and asked me why we couldn't just start having sex more regularly. Not surprisingly the conversation soon deteriorated into another argument.

In the end I said I would go alone. On the day of the appointment, I was so anxious; I didn't know what to wear and all my thoughts were muddled. I imagined that a sex therapist would be having sex all the time, and would think I was just being difficult for refusing my husband.

In fact, as soon as I met her I felt completely comfortable. She smiled as she showed me into the room and introduced herself. After reassuring me that my session would remain confidential, she asked me to tell her the whole story. I felt listened to for the first time. It was so good to explain what it was like not wanting sex, she made no judgements at all and I felt I could just be me.

She thought it would be a good idea if my husband came in to talk to her on his own. Then we could both decide whether to come back for some couple therapy. I spoke to my husband and I couldn't believe it when he agreed; I think even he realised we couldn't fix our marriage ourselves.

We've now had four sessions together. It's been quite difficult and emotional at times, but we are so much happier as a couple. I feel sure that we can find a way of handling our differing needs for sex, and can finally both enjoy a good cuddle now!

Therapists report:

This couple were seen individually and then as a couple and we agreed that each of their individual sessions would remain confidential. I initially used a questionnaire to focus on the problem, and highlight unresolved conflicts. They were both pleased to discover that they were both motivated to find a way forward.

They talked about their lack of sexual activity and what they had done to try and resolve the problem. I advised them to ask the other to do something special for them in the coming week. The task needed to be small and achievable, so Mary agreed to give her husband a hug when he left for work, and her husband agreed to make Mary a cup of tea every morning.

In later sessions they negotiated a new contract of intimacy that they both felt comfortable with. Foreplay was increased and time together as a couple became a priority.

They agreed and respected each others attitudes about sex, but recognised that they truly loved one another and wanted to work towards a happier relationship which included sex and intimacy.