Problems with your love life can have a devastating effect on a relationship, and it takes courage to ask for help. iVillage talked to three women who have experienced sexual problems with a partner, and subsequently visited a sex therapist. Here they share their experiences

Julia: 'When your partner has an erection problem, and the doctor suggests a sex therapist, you have no idea what to expect'

Jane: 'My doctor recommended a sex therapist. All I could think about was whether they'd think I was mad because I didn't feel like sex.'

Louise: 'I couldn't even tell my closest friend that I was going to see a sex therapist'

Julia's story
When I first met Andrew we got on really well, and had a lot in common. Both of us had been married, we'd both had other relationships and both felt quite sexually experienced.

At first the sex was fantastic - fuelled by the lust and excitement you feel when you meet someone new - but as we began to see each other more regularly, things started to change.

At times we'd start to have sex and his erection would fade away just after penetration, and sometimes he never became hard in the first place. The more it happened, the less we wanted sex. I felt frustrated, and I could tell that he was embarrassed and worried.

Despite our problems, we were both committed to the relationship and really wanted it to work. We discussed it and decided to see our doctor who performed some blood tests on Andrew which fortunately came back all clear. The doctor then asked us if we'd like to be referred to a sex therapist, who he thought might be able to help.

Despite having no idea what to expect from sex therapy, our relationship was strong in every way except sexually, so we knew we had nothing to lose. We were sent a questionnaire which helped us to focus on what the problem was. I had to explain how I felt about Andrew's erection problems and I realised that I had been blaming myself for not feeling 'sexy' enough. The questionnaire helped us to talk about this and made us instantly feel a lot closer.

At the first appointment both of us sat anxiously in the waiting room, thinking that everyone knew we were there because we weren't having sex. When we met the therapist, she soon put us at ease. She assured us of complete confidentiality before listening to our explanations of what had been going wrong.

It was an enormous relief to talk to someone about our problems, and assess how we had both reacted to the erection problems. As we talked, it emerged that both of us had been rejected in the past by previous partners, and our sexual problem had been bringing back some of those negative memories.

The therapist recommended a few counselling sessions as well as some tablets for the erection problems. We tried out some of her suggestions for rekindling our love life on a couple of dirty weekends away, and I am happy to say that Andrew's erections are fine now!

Life's too short to live without a cuddle, and when men can't have the sex they like, they often back off from intimacy altogether. We felt we both deserved the best, and now, thanks to a brief stint in therapy, we're sure we're getting it!

Therapists report:

When Jane and her husband attended for therapy, they admitted that they had rarely spoken in depth face to face about their sexual difficulties.

I asked them to move their chairs so that they were sitting face to face. They spoke separately for a short period of time and talked about how they perceived the problem and how the sexual difficulty has affected them. Each of them summarised what their partner had said and confirmed with one another that they had both felt completely heard.

Their initial homework was to write down the words that each of them felt comfortable using when talking about sexual issues. The following session we spoke about language and the importance of being clear and honest with one another.

They had already timetabled sex on a Saturday morning, so I introduced longer foreplay and helped them to address their privacy concerns.

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Three women... and a sex therapist