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My sex drive has vanished
Dear Susan,
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly three years and my sex drive seems to have completely disappeared. We used to have a really active love life and were quite adventurous and exciting, yet over the last year and a half it's completely dried up. It's got so bad that I dread having sex with him. I'm only 22 and when I think about sex I want to have some but then I just can't go through with it. I love him very much and don't know why I've suddenly gone off sex. My boyfriend now thinks I've gone off him and doesn't understand why I don't want to have sex anymore. We've stopped kissing and cuddling too and have started to grow apart and are more like friends than lovers these days. Can you help me?
Sharon
Dear Sharon,
First of all, you need to realise that your problem breaks down into two distinct stages. Stage number one was when you went off sex physically. And stage number two was when this became an emotional issue.
How do you solve stage number one? Essentially, you need to track down the original problem and find a solution. Go for a physical check up in case it's due to illness, a hormone imbalance or the result of medication such as the contraceptive pill. Also trace back what was happening in your life a year and a half ago, to find out whether you were under stress - that may have diminished your sex drive. Or was there some emotional event - job loss, a family crisis - that made your body put sex on the back burner for a while? Or just perhaps, you and your partner had problems then and your loss of libido dates from that.
You'll need to do some serious detective work - and you'll need to do that for yourself. You may find it helpful to not only see your GP but also have a few sessions with a counsellor to explore your feelings. See theBritish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy's website for details about counsellors.
Be warned. Once you solve your physical problem and your sex drive returns, you may still have emotional issues to solve. The fact that you haven't made love for so long may mean that there is some relationship work to do in order for you and your boyfriend to get back on top again. You'll both be wary and worry that it will all go pear-shaped again, so you'll need to make efforts to rebuild your relationship by cuddling and kissing and being emotionally open with each other while regaining your confidence. Once again, counselling may help.
There's every reason to believe that things will turn out fine. I'm just warning you that you may track down the original cause of your problem, solve it, but then become demotivated because things aren't immediately brilliant. Just hang in there, be flexible and don't panic!
Hugs,
Susan
First of all, you need to realise that your problem breaks down into two distinct stages. Stage number one was when you went off sex physically. And stage number two was when this became an emotional issue.
How do you solve stage number one? Essentially, you need to track down the original problem and find a solution. Go for a physical check up in case it's due to illness, a hormone imbalance or the result of medication such as the contraceptive pill. Also trace back what was happening in your life a year and a half ago, to find out whether you were under stress - that may have diminished your sex drive. Or was there some emotional event - job loss, a family crisis - that made your body put sex on the back burner for a while? Or just perhaps, you and your partner had problems then and your loss of libido dates from that.
You'll need to do some serious detective work - and you'll need to do that for yourself. You may find it helpful to not only see your GP but also have a few sessions with a counsellor to explore your feelings. See the
Be warned. Once you solve your physical problem and your sex drive returns, you may still have emotional issues to solve. The fact that you haven't made love for so long may mean that there is some relationship work to do in order for you and your boyfriend to get back on top again. You'll both be wary and worry that it will all go pear-shaped again, so you'll need to make efforts to rebuild your relationship by cuddling and kissing and being emotionally open with each other while regaining your confidence. Once again, counselling may help.
There's every reason to believe that things will turn out fine. I'm just warning you that you may track down the original cause of your problem, solve it, but then become demotivated because things aren't immediately brilliant. Just hang in there, be flexible and don't panic!
Hugs,
Susan
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