The 3 most common female sex problems (and how to fix them)

If you haven't felt sexual for a year or more and have no idea why, that's when you need to sit up and pay attention. And be truthful. The first and most likely reason you're not turned on is you're in the wrong relationship or your partner's a bad lover. By far the biggest obstacle between us and the 'Big O' is a partner who hasn't the first idea about how to get us there. I'm happy to report, however, that with some open, honest communication and education about what you need to orgasm, this can be solved.

Are you subconsciously withholding sex?

A tad more disturbing is realising the problem is not your partner's technique but the fact you simply don't fancy him. While there are plenty of ways to try to spice up your sex life, it's unlikely you'll be waking the neighbours if the thrill is simply gone. The solution to that - deciding whether to leave or stay in a sexless relationship - is something I'm going to leave with you, I'm afraid. There are so many individual factors, only you can decide that one!

Sex is a powerful bargaining tool in relationships. If your partner's always been sex mad, withdrawing his main source of pleasure if he's not behaving out of bed can be tremendously satisfying. Sometimes, particularly if you're angry, you're aware you are doing it. Other times, if you're deeply hurt, it happens on an unconscious level. Sex problems are rarely just about sex, they're usually a sign the relationship's a bit wobbly.

On the positive side

Equally as common and just as destructive to your sex life is when you become too close to your partner. How was sex in the beginning? If it was good and you're still attracted to him, if not lusting after him, intimacy is rudely pushing passion aside. It's ironic that the couples who have the closest, soul-mate connection often have the worst sex lives. A crucial ingredient to having good long-term sex is novelty. If you've become matching bookends with the same tastes and views, that's hard to achieve.

Couples who push each other out of their comfort zones, challenging each other to try new things and see things from a different point of view, tend to get on better in the bedroom. A few other things to consider:

• Rule out medical causes: First, have a full medical consultation to assess your lifestyle, general health, medication and hormone levels.
• Desire is a decision: It doesn't just happen; you have to make it happen. Accept responsibility for your own arousal. Work out what turns you on and do it. Spontaneous lust happens easily in the beginning, but not so easily later on.
• Make a weekly date for sex: This is a minimum target. Also make three other dates (an hour each time) to simply spend time together outside the bedroom. Put these dates at the top of your priority list, not last on the list. When the time comes, make an effort to enthusiastically participate, and you might find you enjoy it as much as he does!
• Don't play the blame game: Just because your partner wants to get horizontal with you does not mean he is bordering on sex addiction. It's a compliment! Fight the 'Why should I do something I don't want to do?' stubbornness. Instead, try everything in your power to make sex a pleasure, not a chore.