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My husband is avoiding sex
Dear Dr Patti
My husband and I have been happily married for the last four years. I love him a lot and I know he loves me a lot also. It isn't our love that's the problem — it's our lovemaking. I have tried almost everything so he will just make love to me. I've even lost 13 pounds, but nothing has worked.
When we were first married he used to make love to me approximately ten times a day, seven days a week; now I'm lucky if he makes love to me once a month. What should I do? I'm afraid this issue is ruining our relationship! I've tried to just ignore it, but I just can't get my mind off of it. When I ask him about it, he changes the subject. He enjoys looking at dirty magazines, and I've even gone out and bought them for him myself!
To make things worse, he's gone to a university the other side of the country and I see him about once a month for about a week. He usually makes love to me the first day I'm there, but the rest of the time he makes excuses, like he's too tired. I have heard this one a million and one times. What should I do? Help!
S
Ah, I am sorry to hear how much this is upsetting you, and I feel sorry for him as well. I wish I had a crystal ball to look into and find out what's really going on here. Something's fishy.
At the start of many sexual relationships, the lovemaking is hot! It's natural for sex to wane over time and you two were very busy. I sense that there's an undercurrent you need to ferret out, as it seems that he is flat-out avoiding sex with you.
Ask yourself some basic questions: when did things change? Was there an incident that you can remember? Has there been a gradual decline? Has putting on weight, having children, a change in income/earnings or something like that happened?
As for the importance of this to your relationship, although national studies have shown disparate results, sex is not usually the number one issue in saving a marriage. However, if it's a top need for you and it compounds your feelings of inadequacy, erodes your self-esteem, makes you feel unloved or affects your ability to feel good about yourself in general, then it's time to have a serious heart-to-heart with him. Be gentle when you talk about it and try to understand what's bothering him. After that, you may need to seek professional help either together or alone — or give him up in the end.
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