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Exhausted by marathon sex
Dear Dr Patti
A lot of women would love to have this problem, but it's driving me crazy. It takes my boyfriend on average about 45 minutes to an hour to reach orgasm during sex. Oral sex takes even longer. Is there anything I can do to kind of speed up this process? At first it was great, but after two orgasms I find myself getting sore or bored.
A
Studies show that just under one in ten men has this problem, often called delayed or retarded ejaculation or inhibited orgasm. As with any physical aspect of sexual expression that's getting in the way, his first step is to rule out any physical causes by paying a visit to a Well Man clinic.
I suspect that he might have spent many of his formative years pleasuring himself in his own way and hasn't learned how to make the translation to a partner's touch. Often men experience this condition because of a range of psychological reasons: lack of trust in women; cultural or religious values; fear of rejection, intimacy and being abandoned; maternal dominance; or fear of getting a woman pregnant. These men may have internalised their feelings of discomfort, and what eventually happens is that they are unable to let go in the presence of their lover.
Sometimes these kinds of troubling issues run deep and require delicate emotional digging to unearth. I suggest that the two of you talk about what you want from your relationship, how you are feeling and what might be bothering him, ideally with a skilled sex therapist or couples counsellor. Try to tell him how you are feeling. Many women find that this situation makes them feel inadequate in bed, which is usually not the case at all.
I also suggest that, when it's time for his orgasm, he take charge and do the job himself if a shared encounter will not do. And, to combat your own soreness, it's certainly time to get your hands on some excellent sexual lubricant. Now, go openly into the territory of open sharing and support — have faith that with enough love and talking about it you two can find release.
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