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My boyfriend is obsessed with my sexual past
Dear Dr Patti
My boyfriend of nine months is becoming more and more obsessed with my sexual past. He frequently asks me questions about my sexual experiences and then gets sullen and depressed when I answer his questions. We have a wonderful relationship, but I'm becoming more and more afraid of being honest with him, yet I refuse to start lying to him. How do I get him to just concentrate on us instead of them?
D
I believe that you are a very giving person to respond kindly to such constant questioning about your sexual past. This is a marker of how you approach intimacy — as someone who is generous and tolerant. And your instinct to set boundaries is correct. Give yourself lots of credit for how well you have weathered this storm so far.
As for your boyfriend's persistent queries about your sexual history, I think he has a noteworthy problem. And if you choose to stay with him, you have it too. Both people bring their ‘baggage’ to a relationship as well as their ‘gifts’. Each is part of what makes a relationship a laboratory for personal growth.
His seemingly incessant demands on you to ‘tell all’ about your past are not healthy. My concern is that this is a self-destructive pattern for him and your relationship. I suggest that you two have a serious conversation about what's going on here. It appears that every time he urges you to spill the beans he then feels insecure and bad about himself.
Encourage him to seek professional counselling. Perhaps you can assure him of your love and care while pushing him into the office of someone competent to listen to him. Until he is willing to face the demons that are keeping him from being with you in the present, you will not make it into the future.
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