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Can men and women just be friends?
Dear Sherry
I think that I've lost a friend because I turned down his sexual advances. We have always flirted with each other, but he knows I have a boyfriend, so I don't know why tried to start anything with me. Ever since it happened, I’ve not heard from him. This is upsetting because we were really good friends. How can I restore our friendship? Or should I just let it be?
A
You two sound like you're straight out of the film When Harry Met Sally. Remember the scene where Billy Crystal argued with Meg Ryan that it's impossible for a man and woman to just be friends, because there's always a sexual element present, at least from the man's point of view? Of course, both Harry and Sally were correct: First they were ‘just friends’, then they were ‘friends plus’.
In your case, it sounds as if the ‘plus’ factor is not mutually desired. Which is fine, as long as this man can accept the rules of the relationship. You need to clear the air with him; he probably feels humiliated. After all, you committed the awful offence of unwittingly hitting him in the most vulnerable area - his testosterone-puffed ego. Even if he recovers enough nerve to face you, if he's really got these heavy romantic feelings it might be impossible for him to be around you knowing that you don’t feel the same way.
My advice, rather than calling him, a conversation might be full of tortured silences and passionate outbursts, is to write a letter. Tell him how much you value his friendship and enjoy his company, but that you’re committed to someone else. State that you hope he still wants to be friends, but you'll leave it up to him.
If he does decide to carry on being friends, be careful with the flirting. I'm not saying ‘dress like a nun’, but you don't want to give him mixed signals that can lead to a repeat pass.
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