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  |  Understanding Men  |  What men want  |  When he just wants to be friends
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When he just wants to be friends

by Sherry Amatenstein

question
Dear Sherry
I'm having a very hard time letting go of a boyfriend of a little over a year. It was the first ‘adult’ relationship I've ever had. For the last couple of weeks he was distant, inattentive and annoyed with me. When we finally sat down to talk about it, he told me that he loved me but was not ‘in love’ with me. I don't understand what that means. After a lot of tears, on both our parts, we decided to split up. He still wants us to be friends and says that was the most important part of our relationship. He phones me and wants to talk like we always have and I let him because I miss him so much. Just hearing his voice gets me through the day, but then I'm left feeling empty. He's getting what he wants, a friend. I'm left upset and empty. I don't know what to do.
D

answer
Dear D
You're absolutely right: he's getting what he wants while you're getting raked over the coals. Yes, it's hard to let go of someone you're in love with, but as you're finding, it's ultimately harder not to let go when those feelings isn't reciprocated.

Tell him that if he cares for you as much as he says he does, he'll stop contacting you. He must realise that you can’t talk like you used to do. Explain to him that the only way you'll get over him as a lover is if he's no longer in your life, for any contact is too painful a reminder of the past. If he does continue calling, don't speak to him, or hang up. He'll get the message and you'll get the space you need to get over him.

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